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The Merry Wiues of Windsor


 
 Actus primus, Scena prima.
 
 Enter Iustice Shallow, Slender, Sir Hugh Euans, Master Page,
 Falstoffe,
 Bardolph, Nym, Pistoll, Anne Page, Mistresse Ford, Mistresse
 Page, Simple.
 
 
   Shallow. Sir Hugh, perswade me not: I will make a StarChamber
 matter of it, if hee were twenty Sir
 Iohn Falstoffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow
 Esquire
 
    Slen. In the County of Glocester, Iustice of Peace and Coram
 
    Shal. I (Cosen Slender) and Custalorum
 
    Slen. I, and Ratolorum too; and a Gentleman borne
 (Master Parson) who writes himselfe Armigero, in any
 Bill, Warrant, Quittance, or Obligation, Armigero
 
    Shal. I that I doe, and haue done any time these three
 hundred yeeres
 
    Slen. All his successors (gone before him) hath don't:
 and all his Ancestors (that come after him) may: they
 may giue the dozen white Luces in their Coate
 
    Shal. It is an olde Coate
 
    Euans. The dozen white Lowses doe become an old
 Coat well: it agrees well passant: It is a familiar beast to
 man, and signifies Loue
 
    Shal. The Luse is the fresh-fish, the salt-fish, is an old
 Coate
 
    Slen. I may quarter (Coz)
 
    Shal. You may, by marrying
 
    Euans. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it
 
    Shal. Not a whit
 
    Euan. Yes per-lady: if he ha's a quarter of your coat,
 there is but three Skirts for your selfe, in my simple coniectures;
 but that is all one: if Sir Iohn Falstaffe haue
 committed disparagements vnto you, I am of the Church
 and will be glad to do my beneuolence, to make attonements
 and compremises betweene you
 
    Shal. The Councell shall heare it, it is a Riot
 
    Euan. It is not meet the Councell heare a Riot: there
 is no feare of Got in a Riot: The Councell (looke you)
 shall desire to heare the feare of Got, and not to heare a
 Riot: take your vizaments in that
 
    Shal. Ha; o'my life, if I were yong againe, the sword
 should end it
 
    Euans. It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
 it: and there is also another deuice in my praine, which
 peraduenture prings goot discretions with it. There is
 Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page,
 which is pretty virginity
 
    Slen. Mistris Anne Page? she has browne haire, and
 speakes small like a woman
 
    Euans. It is that ferry person for all the orld, as iust as
 you will desire, and seuen hundred pounds of Moneyes,
 and Gold, and Siluer, is her Grand-sire vpon his deathsbed,
 (Got deliuer to a ioyfull resurrections) giue, when
 she is able to ouertake seuenteene yeeres old. It were a
 goot motion, if we leaue our pribbles and prabbles, and
 desire a marriage betweene Master Abraham, and Mistris
 Anne Page
 
    Slen. Did her Grand-sire leaue her seauen hundred
 pound?
   Euan. I, and her father is make her a petter penny
 
    Slen. I know the young Gentlewoman, she has good
 gifts
 
    Euan. Seuen hundred pounds, and possibilities, is
 goot gifts
 
    Shal. Wel, let vs see honest Mr Page: is Falstaffe there?
   Euan. Shall I tell you a lye? I doe despise a lyer, as I
 doe despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not
 true: the Knight Sir Iohn is there, and I beseech you be
 ruled by your well-willers: I will peat the doore for Mr.
 Page. What hoa? Got-plesse your house heere
 
    Mr.Page. Who's there?
   Euan. Here is go't's plessing and your friend, and Iustice
 Shallow, and heere yong Master Slender: that peraduentures
 shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to
 your likings
 
    Mr.Page. I am glad to see your Worships well: I
 thanke you for my Venison Master Shallow
 
    Shal. Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good
 doe it your good heart: I wish'd your Venison better, it
 was ill killd: how doth good Mistresse Page? and I thank
 you alwaies with my heart, la: with my heart
 
    M.Page. Sir, I thanke you
 
    Shal. Sir, I thanke you: by yea, and no I doe
 
    M.Pa. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender
 
    Slen. How do's your fallow Greyhound, Sir, I heard
 say he was out-run on Cotsall
 
    M.Pa. It could not be iudg'd, Sir
 
    Slen. You'll not confesse: you'll not confesse
 
    Shal. That he will not, 'tis your fault, 'tis your fault:
 'tis a good dogge
 
    M.Pa. A Cur, Sir
 
    Shal. Sir: hee's a good dog, and a faire dog, can there
 be more said? he is good, and faire. Is Sir Iohn Falstaffe
 heere?
   M.Pa. Sir, hee is within: and I would I could doe a
 good office betweene you
 
    Euan. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speake
 
    Shal. He hath wrong'd me (Master Page.)
   M.Pa. Sir, he doth in some sort confesse it
 
    Shal. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that
 so (M[aster]. Page?) he hath wrong'd me, indeed he hath, at a
 word he hath: beleeue me, Robert Shallow Esquire, saith
 he is wronged
 
    Ma.Pa. Here comes Sir Iohn
 
    Fal. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complaine of me to
 the King?
   Shal. Knight, you haue beaten my men, kill'd my
 deere, and broke open my Lodge
 
    Fal. But not kiss'd your Keepers daughter?
   Shal. Tut, a pin: this shall be answer'd
 
    Fal. I will answere it strait, I haue done all this:
 That is now answer'd
 
    Shal. The Councell shall know this
 
    Fal. 'Twere better for you if it were known in councell:
 you'll be laugh'd at
 
    Eu. Pauca verba; (Sir Iohn) good worts
 
    Fal. Good worts? good Cabidge; Slender, I broke
 your head: what matter haue you against me?
   Slen. Marry sir, I haue matter in my head against you,
 and against your cony-catching Rascalls, Bardolf, Nym,
 and Pistoll
 
    Bar. You Banbery Cheese
 
    Slen. I, it is no matter
 
    Pist. How now, Mephostophilus?
   Slen. I, it is no matter
 
    Nym. Slice, I say; pauca, pauca: Slice, that's my humor
 
    Slen. Where's Simple my man? can you tell, Cosen?
   Eua. Peace, I pray you: now let vs vnderstand: there
 is three Vmpires in this matter, as I vnderstand; that is,
 Master Page (fidelicet Master Page,) & there is my selfe,
 (fidelicet my selfe) and the three party is (lastly, and finally)
 mine Host of the Garter
 
    Ma.Pa. We three to hear it, & end it between them
 
    Euan. Ferry goo't, I will make a priefe of it in my
 note-booke, and we wil afterwards orke vpon the cause,
 with as great discreetly as we can
 
    Fal. Pistoll
 
    Pist. He heares with eares
 
    Euan. The Teuill and his Tam: what phrase is this?
 he heares with eare? why, it is affectations
 
    Fal. Pistoll, did you picke M[aster]. Slenders purse?
   Slen. I, by these gloues did hee, or I would I might
 neuer come in mine owne great chamber againe else, of
 seauen groates in mill-sixpences, and two Edward Shouelboords,
 that cost me two shilling and two pence a
 peece of Yead Miller: by these gloues
 
    Fal. Is this true, Pistoll?
   Euan. No, it is false, if it is a picke-purse
 
    Pist. Ha, thou mountaine Forreyner: Sir Iohn, and
 Master mine, I combat challenge of this Latine Bilboe:
 word of deniall in thy labras here; word of denial; froth,
 and scum thou liest
 
    Slen. By these gloues, then 'twas he
 
    Nym. Be auis'd sir, and passe good humours: I will
 say marry trap with you, if you runne the nut-hooks humor
 on me, that is the very note of it
 
    Slen. By this hat, then he in the red face had it: for
 though I cannot remember what I did when you made
 me drunke, yet I am not altogether an asse
 
    Fal. What say you Scarlet, and Iohn?
   Bar. Why sir, (for my part) I say the Gentleman had
 drunke himselfe out of his fiue sentences
 
    Eu. It is his fiue sences: fie, what the ignorance is
 
    Bar. And being fap, sir, was (as they say) casheerd: and
 so conclusions past the Careires
 
    Slen. I, you spake in Latten then to: but 'tis no matter;
 Ile nere be drunk whilst I liue againe, but in honest,
 ciuill, godly company for this tricke: if I be drunke, Ile
 be drunke with those that haue the feare of God, and not
 with drunken knaues
 
    Euan. So got-udge me, that is a vertuous minde
 
    Fal. You heare all these matters deni'd, Gentlemen;
 you heare it
 
    Mr.Page. Nay daughter, carry the wine in, wee'll
 drinke within
 
    Slen. Oh heauen: This is Mistresse Anne Page
 
    Mr.Page. How now Mistris Ford?
   Fal. Mistris Ford, by my troth you are very wel met:
 by your leaue good Mistris
 
    Mr.Page. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome: come,
 we haue a hot Venison pasty to dinner; Come gentlemen,
 I hope we shall drinke downe all vnkindnesse
 
    Slen. I had rather then forty shillings I had my booke
 of Songs and Sonnets heere: How now Simple, where
 haue you beene? I must wait on my selfe, must I? you
 haue not the booke of Riddles about you, haue you?
   Sim. Booke of Riddles? why did you not lend it to
 Alice Short-cake vpon Alhallowmas last, a fortnight afore
 Michaelmas
 
    Shal. Come Coz, come Coz, we stay for you: a word
 with you Coz: marry this, Coz: there is as 'twere a tender,
 a kinde of tender, made a farre-off by Sir Hugh here:
 doe you vnderstand me?
   Slen. I Sir, you shall finde me reasonable; if it be so,
 I shall doe that that is reason
 
    Shal. Nay, but vnderstand me
 
    Slen. So I doe Sir
 
    Euan. Giue eare to his motions; (Mr. Slender) I will
 description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it
 
    Slen. Nay, I will doe as my Cozen Shallow saies: I
 pray you pardon me, he's a Iustice of Peace in his Countrie,
 simple though I stand here
 
    Euan. But that is not the question: the question is
 concerning your marriage
 
    Shal. I, there's the point Sir
 
    Eu. Marry is it: the very point of it, to Mi[stris]. An Page
 
    Slen. Why if it be so; I will marry her vpon any reasonable
 demands
 
    Eu. But can you affection the 'oman, let vs command
 to know that of your mouth, or of your lips: for diuers
 Philosophers hold, that the lips is parcell of the mouth:
 therfore precisely, ca[n] you carry your good wil to y maid?
   Sh. Cosen Abraham Slender, can you loue her?
   Slen. I hope sir, I will do as it shall become one that
 would doe reason
 
    Eu. Nay, got's Lords, and his Ladies, you must speake
 possitable, if you can carry-her your desires towards her
 
    Shal. That you must:
 Will you, (vpon good dowry) marry her?
   Slen. I will doe a greater thing then that, vpon your
 request (Cosen) in any reason
 
    Shal. Nay conceiue me, conceiue mee, (sweet Coz):
 What I doe is to pleasure you (Coz:) can you loue the
 maid?
   Slen. I will marry her (Sir) at your request; but if
 there bee no great loue in the beginning, yet Heauen
 may decrease it vpon better acquaintance, when wee
 are married, and haue more occasion to know one another:
 I hope vpon familiarity will grow more content:
 but if you say mary-her, I will mary-her, that I am freely
 dissolued, and dissolutely
 
    Eu. It is a fery discretion-answere; saue the fall is in
 the 'ord, dissolutely: the ort is (according to our meaning)
 resolutely: his meaning is good
 
    Sh. I: I thinke my Cosen meant well
 
    Sl. I, or else I would I might be hang'd (la.)
   Sh. Here comes faire Mistris Anne; would I were
 yong for your sake, Mistris Anne
 
    An. The dinner is on the Table, my Father desires
 your worships company
 
    Sh. I will wait on him, (faire Mistris Anne.)
   Eu. Od's plessed-wil: I wil not be abse[n]ce at the grace
 
    An. Wil't please your worship to come in, Sir?
   Sl. No, I thank you forsooth, hartely; I am very well
 
    An. The dinner attends you, Sir
 
    Sl. I am not a-hungry, I thanke you, forsooth: goe,
 Sirha, for all you are my man, goe wait vpon my Cosen
 Shallow: a Iustice of peace sometime may be beholding
 to his friend, for a Man; I keepe but three Men, and a
 Boy yet, till my Mother be dead: but what though, yet
 I liue like a poore Gentleman borne
 
    An. I may not goe in without your worship: they
 will not sit till you come
 
    Sl. I' faith, ile eate nothing: I thanke you as much as
 though I did
 
    An. I pray you Sir walke in
 
    Sl. I had rather walke here (I thanke you) I bruiz'd
 my shin th' other day, with playing at Sword and Dagger
 with a Master of Fence (three veneys for a dish of
 stew'd Prunes) and by my troth, I cannot abide the smell
 of hot meate since. Why doe your dogs barke so? be
 there Beares ith' Towne?
   An. I thinke there are, Sir, I heard them talk'd of
 
    Sl. I loue the sport well, but I shall as soone quarrell
 at it, as any man in England: you are afraid if you see the
 Beare loose, are you not?
   An. I indeede Sir
 
    Sl. That's meate and drinke to me now: I haue seene
 Saskerson loose, twenty times, and haue taken him by the
 Chaine: but (I warrant you) the women haue so cride
 and shrekt at it, that it past: But women indeede, cannot
 abide 'em, they are very ill-fauour'd rough things
 
    Ma.Pa. Come, gentle M[aster]. Slender, come; we stay for you
 
    Sl. Ile eate nothing, I thanke you Sir
 
    Ma.Pa. By cocke and pie, you shall not choose, Sir:
 come, come
 
    Sl. Nay, pray you lead the way
 
    Ma.Pa. Come on, Sir
 
    Sl. Mistris Anne: your selfe shall goe first
 
    An. Not I Sir, pray you keepe on
 
    Sl. Truely I will not goe first: truely-la: I will not
 doe you that wrong
 
    An. I pray you Sir
 
    Sl. Ile rather be vnmannerly, then troublesome: you
 doe your selfe wrong indeede-la.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scena Secunda.
 
 Enter Euans, and Simple.
 
   Eu. Go your waies, and aske of Doctor Caius house,
 which is the way; and there dwels one Mistris Quickly;
 which is in the manner of his Nurse; or his dry-Nurse; or
 his Cooke; or his Laundry; his Washer, and his Ringer
 
    Si. Well Sir
 
    Eu. Nay, it is petter yet: giue her this letter; for it is
 a 'oman that altogeathers acquainta[n]ce with Mistris Anne
 Page; and the Letter is to desire, and require her to solicite
 your Masters desires, to Mistris Anne Page: I pray
 you be gon: I will make an end of my dinner; ther's Pippins
 and Cheese to come.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scena Tertia.
 
 Enter Falstaffe, Host, Bardolfe, Nym, Pistoll, Page.
 
   Fal. Mine Host of the Garter?
   Ho. What saies my Bully Rooke? speake schollerly,
 and wisely
 
    Fal. Truely mine Host; I must turne away some of my
 followers
 
    Ho. Discard, (bully Hercules) casheere; let them wag;
 trot, trot
 
    Fal. I sit at ten pounds a weeke
 
    Ho. Thou'rt an Emperor (Cesar, Keiser and Pheazar)
 I will entertaine Bardolfe: he shall draw; he shall tap; said
 I well (bully Hector?)
   Fa. Doe so (good mine Host.)
   Ho. I haue spoke; let him follow; let me see thee froth,
 and liue: I am at a word: follow
 
    Fal. Bardolfe, follow him: a Tapster is a good trade:
 an old Cloake, makes a new Ierkin: a wither'd Seruingman,
 a fresh Tapster: goe, adew
 
    Ba. It is a life that I haue desir'd: I will thriue
 
    Pist. O base hungarian wight: wilt y the spigot wield
 
    Ni. He was gotten in drink: is not the humor co[n]ceited?
   Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this Tinderbox: his
 Thefts were too open: his filching was like an vnskilfull
 Singer, he kept not time
 
    Ni. The good humor is to steale at a minutes rest
 
    Pist. Conuay: the wise it call: Steale? foh: a fico for
 the phrase
 
    Fal. Well sirs, I am almost out at heeles
 
    Pist. Why then let Kibes ensue
 
    Fal. There is no remedy: I must conicatch, I must shift
 
    Pist. Yong Rauens must haue foode
 
    Fal. Which of you know Ford of this Towne?
   Pist. I ken the wight: he is of substance good
 
    Fal. My honest Lads, I will tell you what I am about
 
    Pist. Two yards, and more
 
    Fal. No quips now Pistoll: (Indeede I am in the waste
 two yards about: but I am now about no waste: I am about
 thrift) briefely: I doe meane to make loue to Fords
 wife: I spie entertainment in her: shee discourses: shee
 carues: she giues the leere of inuitation: I can construe
 the action of her familier stile, & the hardest voice of her
 behauior (to be english'd rightly) is, I am Sir Iohn Falstafs
 
    Pist. He hath studied her will; and translated her will:
 out of honesty, into English
 
    Ni. The Anchor is deepe: will that humor passe?
   Fal. Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her
 husbands Purse: he hath a legend of Angels
 
    Pist. As many diuels entertaine: and to her Boy say I
 
    Ni. The humor rises: it is good: humor me the angels
 
    Fal. I haue writ me here a letter to her: & here another
 to Pages wife, who euen now gaue mee good eyes
 too; examind my parts with most iudicious illiads: sometimes
 the beame of her view, guilded my foote: sometimes
 my portly belly
 
    Pist. Then did the Sun on dung-hill shine
 
    Ni. I thanke thee for that humour
 
    Fal. O she did so course o're my exteriors with such
 a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye, did seeme
 to scorch me vp like a burning-glasse: here's another
 letter to her: She beares the Purse too: She is a Region
 in Guiana: all gold, and bountie: I will be Cheaters to
 them both, and they shall be Exchequers to mee: they
 shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to
 them both: Goe, beare thou this Letter to Mistris Page;
 and thou this to Mistris Ford: we will thriue (Lads) we
 will thriue
 
    Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
 And by my side weare Steele? then Lucifer take all
 
    Ni. I will run no base humor: here take the humor-Letter;
 I will keepe the hauior of reputation
 
    Fal. Hold Sirha, beare you these Letters tightly,
 Saile like my Pinnasse to these golden shores.
 Rogues, hence, auaunt, vanish like haile-stones; goe,
 Trudge; plod away ith' hoofe: seeke shelter, packe:
 Falstaffe will learne the honor of the age,
 French-thrift, you Rogues, my selfe, and skirted Page
 
    Pist. Let Vultures gripe thy guts: for gourd, and
 Fullam holds: & high and low beguiles the rich & poore,
 Tester ile haue in pouch when thou shalt lacke,
 Base Phrygian Turke
 
    Ni. I haue opperations,
 Which be humors of reuenge
 
    Pist. Wilt thou reuenge?
   Ni. By Welkin, and her Star
 
    Pist. With wit, or Steele?
   Ni. With both the humors, I:
 I will discusse the humour of this Loue to Ford
 
    Pist. And I to Page shall eke vnfold
 How Falstaffe (varlet vile)
 His Doue will proue; his gold will hold,
 And his soft couch defile
 
    Ni. My humour shall not coole: I will incense Ford
 to deale with poyson: I will possesse him with yallownesse,
 for the reuolt of mine is dangerous: that is my
 true humour
 
    Pist. Thou art the Mars of Malecontents: I second
 thee: troope on.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scoena Quarta.
 
 Enter Mistris Quickly, Simple, Iohn Rugby, Doctor, Caius, Fenton.
 
   Qu. What, Iohn Rugby, I pray thee goe to the Casement,
 and see if you can see my Master, Master Docter
 Caius comming: if he doe (I' faith) and finde any body
 in the house; here will be an old abusing of Gods patience,
 and the Kings English
 
    Ru. Ile goe watch
 
    Qu. Goe, and we'll haue a posset for't soone at night,
 (in faith) at the latter end of a Sea-cole-fire: An honest,
 willing, kinde fellow, as euer seruant shall come in house
 withall: and I warrant you, no tel-tale, nor no breedebate:
 his worst fault is, that he is giuen to prayer; hee is
 something peeuish that way: but no body but has his
 fault: but let that passe. Peter Simple, you say your
 name is?
   Si. I: for fault of a better
 
    Qu. And Master Slender's your Master?
   Si. I forsooth
 
    Qu. Do's he not weare a great round Beard, like a
 Glouers pairing-knife?
   Si. No forsooth: he hath but a little wee-face; with
 a little yellow Beard: a Caine colourd Beard
 
    Qu. A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
   Si. I forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands, as
 any is betweene this and his head: he hath fought with
 a Warrener
 
    Qu. How say you: oh, I should remember him: do's
 he not hold vp his head (as it were?) and strut in his gate?
   Si. Yes indeede do's he
 
    Qu. Well, heauen send Anne Page, no worse fortune:
 Tell Master Parson Euans, I will doe what I can for your
 Master: Anne is a good girle, and I wish -
   Ru. Out alas: here comes my Master
 
    Qu. We shall all be shent: Run in here, good young
 man: goe into this Closset: he will not stay long: what
 Iohn Rugby? Iohn: what Iohn I say? goe Iohn, goe enquire
 for my Master, I doubt he be not well, that hee
 comes not home: (and downe, downe, adowne'a. &c
 
    Ca. Vat is you sing? I doe not like des-toyes: pray
 you goe and vetch me in my Closset, vnboyteere verd;
 a Box, a greene-a-Box: do intend vat I speake? a greene-a-Box
 
    Qu. I forsooth ile fetch it you:
 I am glad hee went not in himselfe: if he had found the
 yong man he would haue bin horne-mad
 
    Ca. Fe, fe, fe, fe, mai foy, il fait for ehando, Ie man voi a le
 Court la grand affaires
 
    Qu. Is it this Sir?
   Ca. Ouy mette le au mon pocket, depeech quickly:
 Vere is dat knaue Rugby?
   Qu. What Iohn Rugby, Iohn?
   Ru. Here Sir
 
    Ca. You are Iohn Rugby, and you are Iacke Rugby:
 Come, take-a-your Rapier, and come after my heele to
 the Court
 
    Ru. 'Tis ready Sir, here in the Porch
 
    Ca. By my trot: I tarry too long: od's-me: que ay ie
 oublie: dere is some Simples in my Closset, dat I vill not
 for the varld I shall leaue behinde
 
    Qu. Ay-me, he'll finde the yong man there, & be mad
 
    Ca. O Diable, Diable: vat is in my Closset?
 Villanie, Laroone: Rugby, my Rapier
 
    Qu. Good Master be content
 
    Ca. Wherefore shall I be content-a?
   Qu. The yong man is an honest man
 
    Ca. What shall de honest man do in my Closset: dere
 is no honest man dat shall come in my Closset
 
    Qu. I beseech you be not so flegmaticke: heare the
 truth of it. He came of an errand to mee, from Parson
 Hugh
 
    Ca. Vell
 
    Si. I forsooth: to desire her to -
   Qu. Peace, I pray you
 
    Ca. Peace-a-your tongue: speake-a-your Tale
 
    Si. To desire this honest Gentlewoman (your Maid)
 to speake a good word to Mistris Anne Page, for my Master
 in the way of Marriage
 
    Qu. This is all indeede-la: but ile nere put my finger
 in the fire, and neede not
 
    Ca. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, ballow mee some
 paper: tarry you a littell-a-while
 
    Qui. I am glad he is so quiet: if he had bin throughly
 moued, you should haue heard him so loud, and so melancholly:
 but notwithstanding man, Ile doe yoe your
 Master what good I can: and the very yea, & the no is, y
 French Doctor my Master, (I may call him my Master,
 looke you, for I keepe his house; and I wash, ring, brew,
 bake, scowre, dresse meat and drinke, make the beds, and
 doe all my selfe.)
   Simp. 'Tis a great charge to come vnder one bodies
 hand
 
    Qui. Are you auis'd o'that? you shall finde it a great
 charge: and to be vp early, and down late: but notwithstanding,
 (to tell you in your eare, I wold haue no words
 of it) my Master himselfe is in loue with Mistris Anne
 Page: but notwithstanding that I know Ans mind, that's
 neither heere nor there
 
    Caius. You, Iack'Nape: giue-'a this Letter to Sir
 Hugh, by gar it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de
 Parke, and I will teach a scuruy Iackanape Priest to
 meddle, or make:- you may be gon: it is not good
 you tarry here: by gar I will cut all his two stones: by
 gar, he shall not haue a stone to throw at his dogge
 
    Qui. Alas: he speakes but for his friend
 
    Caius. It is no matter 'a ver dat: do not you tell-a-me
 dat I shall haue Anne Page for my selfe? by gar, I vill
 kill de Iack-Priest: and I haue appointed mine Host of
 de Iarteer to measure our weapon: by gar, I wil my selfe
 haue Anne Page
 
    Qui. Sir, the maid loues you, and all shall bee well:
 We must giue folkes leaue to prate: what the goodier
 
    Caius. Rugby, come to the Court with me: by gar, if
 I haue not Anne Page, I shall turne your head out of my
 dore: follow my heeles, Rugby
 
    Qui. You shall haue An-fooles head of your owne:
 No, I know Ans mind for that: neuer a woman in Windsor
 knowes more of Ans minde then I doe, nor can doe
 more then I doe with her, I thanke heauen
 
    Fenton. Who's with in there, hoa?
   Qui. Who's there, I troa? Come neere the house I
 pray you
 
    Fen. How now (good woman) how dost thou?
   Qui. The better that it pleases your good Worship
 to aske?
   Fen. What newes? how do's pretty Mistris Anne?
   Qui. In truth Sir, and shee is pretty, and honest, and
 gentle, and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by
 the way, I praise heauen for it
 
    Fen. Shall I doe any good thinkst thou? shall I not
 loose my suit?
   Qui. Troth Sir, all is in his hands aboue: but notwithstanding
 (Master Fenton) Ile be sworne on a booke
 shee loues you: haue not your Worship a wart aboue
 your eye?
   Fen. Yes marry haue I, what of that?
   Qui. Wel, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
 another Nan; (but (I detest) an honest maid as euer
 broke bread: wee had an howres talke of that wart; I
 shall neuer laugh but in that maids company: but (indeed)
 shee is giuen too much to Allicholy and musing:
 but for you - well - goe too -
   Fen. Well: I shall see her to day: hold, there's money
 for thee: Let mee haue thy voice in my behalfe: if
 thou seest her before me, commend me. -
   Qui. Will I? I faith that wee will: And I will tell
 your Worship more of the Wart, the next time we haue
 confidence, and of other wooers
 
    Fen. Well, fare-well, I am in great haste now
 
    Qui. Fare-well to your Worship: truely an honest
 Gentleman: but Anne loues him not: for I know Ans
 minde as well as another do's: out vpon't: what haue I
 forgot.
 
 Enter.
 
 
 Actus Secundus. Scoena Prima.
 
 Enter Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, Master Page, Master Ford,
 Pistoll, Nim,
 Quickly, Host, Shallow.
 
   Mist.Page. What, haue scap'd Loue-letters in the
 holly-day-time of my beauty, and am I now a subiect
 for them? let me see?
 Aske me no reason why I loue you, for though Loue vse Reason
 for his precisian, hee admits him not for his Counsailour:
 you are not yong, no more am I: goe to then, there's simpathie:
 you are merry, so am I: ha, ha, then there's more simpathie:
 you loue sacke, and so do I: would you desire better simpathie?
 Let it suffice thee (Mistris Page) at the least if the Loue of
 Souldier can suffice, that I loue thee: I will not say pitty mee,
 'tis not a Souldier-like phrase; but I say, loue me:
 By me, thine owne true Knight, by day or night:
 Or any kinde of light, with all his might,
 For thee to fight. Iohn Falstaffe.
 What a Herod of Iurie is this? O wicked, wicked world:
 One that is well-nye worne to peeces with age
 To show himselfe a yong Gallant? What an vnwaied
 Behauiour hath this Flemish drunkard pickt (with
 The Deuills name) out of my conuersation, that he dares
 In this manner assay me? why, hee hath not beene thrice
 In my Company: what should I say to him? I was then
 Frugall of my mirth: (heauen forgiue mee:) why Ile
 Exhibit a Bill in the Parliament for the putting downe
 of men: how shall I be reueng'd on him? for reueng'd I
 will be? as sure as his guts are made of puddings
 
    Mis.Ford. Mistris Page, trust me, I was going to your
 house
 
    Mis.Page. And trust me, I was comming to you: you
 looke very ill
 
    Mis.Ford. Nay Ile nere beleeue that; I haue to shew
 to the contrary
 
    Mis.Page. 'Faith but you doe in my minde
 
    Mis.Ford. Well: I doe then: yet I say, I could shew
 you to the contrary: O Mistris Page, giue mee some
 counsaile
 
    Mis.Page. What's the matter, woman?
   Mi.Ford. O woman: if it were not for one trifling respect,
 I could come to such honour
 
    Mi.Page. Hang the trifle (woman) take the honour:
 what is it? dispence with trifles: what is it?
   Mi.Ford. If I would but goe to hell, for an eternall
 moment, or so: I could be knighted
 
    Mi.Page. What thou liest? Sir Alice Ford? these
 Knights will hacke, and so thou shouldst not alter the article
 of thy Gentry
 
    Mi.Ford. Wee burne day-light: heere, read, read:
 perceiue how I might bee knighted, I shall thinke the
 worse of fat men, as long as I haue an eye to make difference
 of mens liking: and yet hee would not sweare:
 praise womens modesty: and gaue such orderly and welbehaued
 reproofe to al vncomelinesse, that I would haue
 sworne his disposition would haue gone to the truth of
 his words: but they doe no more adhere and keep place
 together, then the hundred Psalms to the tune of Greensleeues:
 What tempest (I troa) threw this Whale, (with
 so many Tuns of oyle in his belly) a'shoare at Windsor?
 How shall I bee reuenged on him? I thinke the best way
 were, to entertaine him with hope, till the wicked fire
 of lust haue melted him in his owne greace: Did you euer
 heare the like?
   Mis.Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of
 Page and Ford differs: to thy great comfort in this mystery
 of ill opinions, heere's the twyn-brother of thy Letter:
 but let thine inherit first, for I protest mine neuer
 shall: I warrant he hath a thousand of these Letters, writ
 with blancke-space for different names (sure more): and
 these are of the second edition: hee will print them out
 of doubt: for he cares not what hee puts into the presse,
 when he would put vs two: I had rather be a Giantesse,
 and lye vnder Mount Pelion: Well; I will find you twentie
 lasciuious Turtles ere one chaste man
 
    Mis.Ford. Why this is the very same: the very hand:
 the very words: what doth he thinke of vs?
   Mis.Page. Nay I know not: it makes me almost readie
 to wrangle with mine owne honesty: Ile entertaine
 my selfe like one that I am not acquainted withall: for
 sure vnlesse hee know some straine in mee, that I know
 not my selfe, hee would neuer haue boorded me in this
 furie
 
    Mi.Ford. Boording, call you it? Ile bee sure to keepe
 him aboue decke
 
    Mi.Page. So will I: if hee come vnder my hatches,
 Ile neuer to Sea againe: Let's bee reueng'd on him: let's
 appoint him a meeting: giue him a show of comfort in
 his Suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till hee
 hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the Garter
 
    Mi.Ford. Nay, I wil consent to act any villany against
 him, that may not sully the charinesse of our honesty: oh
 that my husband saw this Letter: it would giue eternall
 food to his iealousie
 
    Mis.Page. Why look where he comes; and my good
 man too: hee's as farre from iealousie, as I am from giuing
 him cause, and that (I hope) is an vnmeasurable distance
 
    Mis.Ford. You are the happier woman
 
    Mis.Page. Let's consult together against this greasie
 Knight: Come hither
 
    Ford. Well: I hope, it be not so
 
    Pist. Hope is a curtall-dog in some affaires:
 Sir Iohn affects thy wife
 
    Ford. Why sir, my wife is not young
 
    Pist. He wooes both high and low, both rich & poor,
 both yong and old, one with another (Ford) he loues the
 Gally-mawfry (Ford) perpend
 
    Ford. Loue my wife?
   Pist. With liuer, burning hot: preuent:
 Or goe thou like Sir Acteon he, with
 Ring-wood at thy heeles: O, odious is the name
 
    Ford. What name Sir?
   Pist. The horne I say: Farewell:
 Take heed, haue open eye, for theeues doe foot by night.
 Take heed, ere sommer comes, or Cuckoo-birds do sing.
 Away sir Corporall Nim:
 Beleeue it (Page) he speakes sence
 
    Ford. I will be patient: I will find out this
 
    Nim. And this is true: I like not the humor of lying:
 hee hath wronged mee in some humors: I should haue
 borne the humour'd Letter to her: but I haue a sword:
 and it shall bite vpon my necessitie: he loues your wife;
 There's the short and the long: My name is Corporall
 Nim: I speak, and I auouch; 'tis true: my name is Nim:
 and Falstaffe loues your wife: adieu, I loue not the humour
 of bread and cheese: adieu
 
    Page. The humour of it (quoth 'a?) heere's a fellow
 frights English out of his wits
 
    Ford. I will seeke out Falstaffe
 
    Page. I neuer heard such a drawling-affecting rogue
 
    Ford. If I doe finde it: well
 
    Page. I will not beleeue such a Cataian, though the
 Priest o' th' Towne commended him for a true man
 
    Ford. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well
 
    Page. How now Meg?
   Mist.Page. Whether goe you (George?) harke you
 
    Mis.Ford. How now (sweet Frank) why art thou melancholy?
   Ford. I melancholy? I am not melancholy:
 Get you home: goe
 
    Mis.Ford. Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy head,
 Now: will you goe, Mistris Page?
   Mis.Page. Haue with you: you'll come to dinner
 George? Looke who comes yonder: shee shall bee our
 Messenger to this paltrie Knight
 
    Mis.Ford. Trust me, I thought on her: shee'll fit it
 
    Mis.Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne?
   Qui. I forsooth: and I pray how do's good Mistresse
 Anne?
   Mis.Page. Go in with vs and see: we haue an houres
 talke with you
 
    Page. How now Master Ford?
   For. You heard what this knaue told me, did you not?
   Page. Yes, and you heard what the other told me?
   Ford. Doe you thinke there is truth in them?
   Pag. Hang 'em slaues: I doe not thinke the Knight
 would offer it: But these that accuse him in his intent
 towards our wiues, are a yoake of his discarded men: very
 rogues, now they be out of seruice
 
    Ford. Were they his men?
   Page. Marry were they
 
    Ford. I like it neuer the beter for that,
 Do's he lye at the Garter?
   Page. I marry do's he: if hee should intend this voyage
 toward my wife, I would turne her loose to him;
 and what hee gets more of her, then sharpe words, let it
 lye on my head
 
    Ford. I doe not misdoubt my wife: but I would bee
 loath to turne them together: a man may be too confident:
 I would haue nothing lye on my head: I cannot
 be thus satisfied
 
    Page. Looke where my ranting-Host of the Garter
 comes: there is eyther liquor in his pate, or mony in his
 purse, when hee lookes so merrily: How now mine
 Host?
   Host. How now Bully-Rooke: thou'rt a Gentleman
 Caueleiro Iustice, I say
 
    Shal. I follow, (mine Host) I follow: Good-euen,
 and twenty (good Master Page.) Master Page, wil you go
 with vs? we haue sport in hand
 
    Host. Tell him Caueleiro-Iustice: tell him Bully-Rooke
 
    Shall. Sir, there is a fray to be fought, betweene Sir
 Hugh the Welch Priest, and Caius the French Doctor
 
    Ford. Good mine Host o'th' Garter: a word with you
 
    Host. What saist thou, my Bully-Rooke?
   Shal. Will you goe with vs to behold it? My merry
 Host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and (I
 thinke) hath appointed them contrary places: for (beleeue
 mee) I heare the Parson is no Iester: harke, I will
 tell you what our sport shall be
 
    Host. Hast thou no suit against my Knight? my guest-Caualeire?
   Shal. None, I protest: but Ile giue you a pottle of
 burn'd sacke, to giue me recourse to him, and tell him
 my name is Broome: onely for a iest
 
    Host. My hand, (Bully:) thou shalt haue egresse and
 regresse, (said I well?) and thy name shall be Broome. It
 is a merry Knight: will you goe An-heires?
   Shal. Haue with you mine Host
 
    Page. I haue heard the French-man hath good skill
 in his Rapier
 
    Shal. Tut sir: I could haue told you more: In these
 times you stand on distance: your Passes, Stoccado's, and
 I know not what: 'tis the heart (Master Page) 'tis heere,
 'tis heere: I haue seene the time, with my long-sword, I
 would haue made you fowre tall fellowes skippe like
 Rattes
 
    Host. Heere boyes, heere, heere: shall we wag?
   Page. Haue with you: I had rather heare them scold,
 then fight
 
    Ford. Though Page be a secure foole, and stands so
 firmely on his wiues frailty; yet, I cannot put-off my opinion
 so easily: she was in his company at Pages house:
 and what they made there, I know not. Well, I wil looke
 further into't, and I haue a disguise, to sound Falstaffe; if
 I finde her honest, I loose not my labor: if she be otherwise,
 'tis labour well bestowed.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scoena Secunda.
 
 
 Enter Falstaffe, Pistoll, Robin, Quickly, Bardolffe, Ford.
 
   Fal. I will not lend thee a penny
 
    Pist. Why then the world's mine Oyster, which I,
 with sword will open
 
    Fal. Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir,) you
 should lay my countenance to pawne: I haue grated vpon
 my good friends for three Repreeues for you, and
 your Coach-fellow Nim; or else you had look'd through
 the grate, like a Geminy of Baboones: I am damn'd in
 hell, for swearing to Gentlemen my friends, you were
 good Souldiers, and tall-fellowes. And when Mistresse
 Briget lost the handle of her Fan, I took't vpon mine honour
 thou hadst it not
 
    Pist. Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene
 pence?
   Fal. Reason, you roague, reason: thinkst thou Ile endanger
 my soule, gratis? at a word, hang no more about
 mee, I am no gibbet for you: goe, a short knife, and a
 throng, to your Mannor of Pickt-hatch: goe, you'll not
 beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon your
 honor: why, (thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is as much
 as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honor precise:
 I, I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of heauen on
 the left hand, and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am
 faine to shufflle: to hedge, and to lurch, and yet, you
 Rogue, will en-sconce your raggs; your Cat-a-Mountaine-lookes,
 your red-lattice phrases, and your boldbeating-oathes,
 vnder the shelter of your honor? you
 will not doe it? you?
 
   Pist. I doe relent: what would thou more of man?
 
   Robin. Sir, here's a woman would speake with you
 
    Fal. Let her approach
 
    Qui. Giue your worship good morrow
 
    Fal. Good-morrow, good-wife
 
    Qui. Not so, and't please your worship
 
    Fal. Good maid then
 
    Qui. Ile be sworne,
 As my mother was the first houre I was borne
 
    Fal. I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?
 
   Qui. Shall I vouch-safe your worship a word, or
 two?
 
   Fal. Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe
 thee the hearing
 
    Qui. There is one Mistresse Ford, (Sir) I pray come a
 little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell with M[aster]. Doctor
 Caius:
   Fal. Well, on; Mistresse Ford, you say
 
    Qui. Your worship saies very true: I pray your worship
 come a little neerer this waies
 
    Fal. I warrant thee, no-bodie heares: mine owne
 people, mine owne people
 
    Qui. Are they so? heauen-blesse them, and make
 them his Seruants
 
    Fal. Well; Mistresse Ford, what of her?
 
   Qui. Why, Sir; shee's a good-creature; Lord, Lord,
 your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you,
 and all of vs, I pray -
 
    Fal. Mistresse Ford: come, Mistresse Ford
 
    Qui. Marry this is the short, and the long of it: you
 haue brought her into such a Canaries, as 'tis wonderfull:
 the best Courtier of them all (when the Court lay
 at Windsor) could neuer haue brought her to such a Canarie:
 yet there has beene Knights, and Lords, and Gentlemen,
 with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach after
 Coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly;
 all Muske, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silke
 and golde, and in such alligant termes, and in such wine
 and suger of the best, and the fairest, that would haue
 wonne any womans heart: and I warrant you, they could
 neuer get an eye-winke of her: I had my selfe twentie
 Angels giuen me this morning, but I defie all Angels (in
 any such sort, as they say) but in the way of honesty: and
 I warrant you, they could neuer get her so much as sippe
 on a cup with the prowdest of them all, and yet there has
 beene Earles: nay, (which is more) Pentioners, but I
 warrant you all is one with her
 
    Fal. But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good
 sheeMercurie
 
    Qui. Marry, she hath receiu'd your Letter: for the
 which she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues
 you to notifie, that her husband will be absence from his
 house, betweene ten and eleuen
 
    Fal. Ten, and eleuen
 
    Qui. I, forsooth: and then you may come and see the
 picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master Ford her husband
 will be from home: alas, the sweet woman leades
 an ill life with him: hee's a very iealousie-man; she leads
 a very frampold life with him, (good hart.)
 
    Fal. Ten, and eleuen.
 Woman, commend me to her, I will not faile her
 
    Qui. Why, you say well: But I haue another messenger
 to your worship: Mistresse Page hath her heartie
 commendations to you to: and let mee tell you in your
 eare, shee's as fartuous a ciuill modest wife, and one (I
 tell you) that will not misse you morning nor euening
 prayer, as any is in Windsor, who ere bee the other: and
 shee bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldome
 from home, but she hopes there will come a time.
 I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I
 thinke you haue charmes, la: yes in truth
 
    Fal. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
 good parts aside, I haue no other charmes
 
    Qui. Blessing on your heart for't
 
    Fal. But I pray thee tell me this: has Fords wife, and
 Pages wife acquainted each other, how they loue me?
 
   Qui. That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little
 grace I hope, that were a tricke indeed: But Mistris Page
 would desire you to send her your little Page of al loues:
 her husband has a maruellous infectio[n] to the little Page:
 and truely Master Page is an honest man: neuer a wife in
 Windsor leades a better life then she do's: doe what shee
 will, say what she will, take all, pay all, goe to bed when
 she list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and truly she
 deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in Windsor, she
 is one: you must send her your Page, no remedie
 
    Fal. Why, I will
 
    Qu. Nay, but doe so then, and looke you, hee may
 come and goe betweene you both: and in any case haue
 a nay-word, that you may know one anothers minde,
 and the Boy neuer neede to vnderstand any thing; for
 'tis not good that children should know any wickednes:
 olde folkes you know, haue discretion, as they say, and
 know the world
 
    Fal. Farethee-well, commend mee to them both:
 there's my purse, I am yet thy debter: Boy, goe along
 with this woman, this newes distracts me
 
    Pist. This Puncke is one of Cupids Carriers,
 Clap on more sailes, pursue: vp with your sights:
 Giue fire: she is my prize, or Ocean whelme them all
 
    Fal. Saist thou so (old Iacke) go thy waies: Ile make
 more of thy olde body then I haue done: will they yet
 looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of so much
 money, be now a gainer? good Body, I thanke thee: let
 them say 'tis grossely done, so it bee fairely done, no
 matter
 
    Bar. Sir Iohn, there's one Master Broome below would
 faine speake with you, and be acquainted with you; and
 hath sent your worship a mornings draught of Sacke
 
    Fal. Broome is his name?
 
    Bar. I Sir
 
    Fal. Call him in: such Broomes are welcome to mee,
 that ore'flowes such liquor: ah ha, Mistresse Ford and Mistresse
 Page, haue I encompass'd you? goe to, via
 
    Ford. 'Blesse you sir
 
    Fal. And you sir: would you speake with me?
 
    Ford. I make bold, to presse, with so little preparation
 vpon you
 
    Fal. You'r welcome, what's your will? giue vs leaue
 Drawer
 
    Ford. Sir, I am a Gentleman that haue spent much,
 my name is Broome
 
    Fal. Good Master Broome, I desire more acquaintance
 of you
 
    Ford. Good Sir Iohn, I sue for yours: not to charge
 you, for I must let you vnderstand, I thinke my selfe in
 better plight for a Lender, then you are: the which hath
 something emboldned me to this vnseason'd intrusion:
 for they say, if money goe before, all waies doe lye
 open
 
    Fal. Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on
 
    Ford. Troth, and I haue a bag of money heere troubles
 me: if you will helpe to beare it (Sir Iohn) take all,
 or halfe, for easing me of the carriage
 
    Fal. Sir, I know not how I may deserue to bee your
 Porter
 
    Ford. I will tell you sir, if you will giue mee the hearing
 
    Fal. Speake (good Master Broome) I shall be glad to
 be your Seruant
 
    Ford. Sir, I heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe
 with you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me,
 though I had neuer so good means as desire, to make my
 selfe acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to
 you, wherein I must very much lay open mine owne imperfection:
 but (good Sir Iohn) as you haue one eye vpon
 my follies, as you heare them vnfolded, turne another
 into the Register of your owne, that I may passe with a
 reproofe the easier, sith you your selfe know how easie it
 is to be such an offender
 
    Fal. Very well Sir, proceed
 
    Ford. There is a Gentlewoman in this Towne, her
 husbands name is Ford
 
    Fal. Well Sir
 
    Ford. I haue long lou'd her, and I protest to you, bestowed
 much on her: followed her with a doating obseruance:
 Ingross'd opportunities to meete her: fee'd euery
 slight occasion that could but nigardly giue mee
 sight of her: not only bought many presents to giue her,
 but haue giuen largely to many, to know what shee
 would haue giuen: briefly, I haue pursu'd her, as Loue
 hath pursued mee, which hath beene on the wing of all
 occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue merited, either in my
 minde, or in my meanes, meede I am sure I haue receiued
 none, vnlesse Experience be a Iewell, that I haue purchased
 at an infinite rate, and that hath taught mee to say
 this,
 ``Loue like a shadow flies, when substance Loue pursues,
 ``Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues
 
    Fal. Haue you receiu'd no promise of satisfaction at
 her hands?
   Ford. Neuer
 
    Fal. Haue you importun'd her to such a purpose?
   Ford. Neuer
 
    Fal. Of what qualitie was your loue then?
   Ford. Like a fair house, built on another mans ground,
 so that I haue lost my edifice, by mistaking the place,
 where I erected it
 
    Fal. To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?
   For. When I haue told you that, I haue told you all:
 Some say, that though she appeare honest to mee, yet in
 other places shee enlargeth her mirth so farre, that there
 is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir Iohn) here
 is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
 breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
 authenticke in your place and person, generally
 allow'd for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
 preparations
 
    Fal. O Sir
 
    Ford. Beleeue it, for you know it: there is money,
 spend it, spend it, spend more; spend all I haue, onely
 giue me so much of your time in enchange of it, as to lay
 an amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife: vse
 your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any
 man may, you may as soone as any
 
    Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
 affection that I should win what you would enioy? Methinkes
 you prescribe to your selfe very preposterously
 
    Ford. O, vnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely
 on the excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soule
 dares not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look'd
 against. Now, could I come to her with any detection
 in my hand; my desires had instance and argument to
 commend themselues, I could driue her then from the
 ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
 and a thousand other her defences, which now are tootoo
 strongly embattaild against me: what say you too't,
 Sir Iohn?
   Fal. Master Broome, I will first make bold with your
 money: next, giue mee your hand: and last, as I am a
 gentleman, you shall, if you will, enioy Fords wife
 
    Ford. O good Sir
 
    Fal. I say you shall
 
    Ford. Want no money (Sir Iohn) you shall want none
 
    Fal. Want no Mistresse Ford (Master Broome) you shall
 want none: I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her
 owne appointment, euen as you came in to me, her assistant,
 or goe-betweene, parted from me: I say I shall be
 with her betweene ten and eleuen: for at that time the
 iealious-rascally-knaue her husband will be forth: come
 you to me at night, you shall know how I speed
 
    Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
 Ford Sir?
   Fal. Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know
 him not: yet I wrong him to call him poore: They say
 the iealous wittolly-knaue hath masses of money, for
 the which his wife seemes to me well-fauourd: I will vse
 her as the key of the Cuckoldly-rogues Coffer, & ther's
 my haruest-home
 
    Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might auoid
 him, if you saw him
 
    Fal. Hang him, mechanicall-salt-butter rogue; I wil
 stare him out of his wits: I will awe-him with my cudgell:
 it shall hang like a Meteor ore the Cuckolds horns:
 Master Broome, thou shalt know, I will predominate ouer
 the pezant, and thou shalt lye with his wife. Come
 to me soone at night: Ford's a knaue, and I will aggrauate
 his stile: thou (Master Broome) shalt know him for
 knaue, and Cuckold. Come to me soone at night
 
    Ford. What a damn'd Epicurian-Rascall is this? my
 heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this
 is improuident iealousie? my wife hath sent to him, the
 howre is fixt, the match is made: would any man haue
 thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my
 bed shall be abus'd, my Coffers ransack'd, my reputation
 gnawne at, and I shall not onely receiue this villanous
 wrong, but stand vnder the adoption of abhominable
 termes, and by him that does mee this wrong: Termes,
 names: Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer, well: Barbason,
 well: yet they are Diuels additions, the names of fiends:
 But Cuckold, Wittoll, Cuckold? the Diuell himselfe
 hath not such a name. Page is an Asse, a secure Asse; hee
 will trust his wife, hee will not be iealous: I will rather
 trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman
 with my Cheese, an Irish-man with my Aqua-vitae-bottle,
 or a Theefe to walke my ambling gelding, then
 my wife with her selfe. Then she plots, then shee ruminates,
 then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their
 hearts they may effect; they will breake their hearts but
 they will effect. Heauen bee prais'd for my iealousie:
 eleuen o' clocke the howre, I will preuent this, detect
 my wife, bee reueng'd on Falstaffe, and laugh at Page. I
 will about it, better three houres too soone, then a mynute
 too late: fie, fie, fie: Cuckold, Cuckold, Cuckold.
 
 Enter.
 
 
 Scena Tertia.
 
 Enter Caius, Rugby, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host.
 
   Caius. Iacke Rugby
 
    Rug. Sir
 
    Caius. Vat is the clocke, Iack
 
    Rug. 'Tis past the howre (Sir) that Sir Hugh promis'd
 to meet
 
    Cai. By gar, he has saue his soule, dat he is no-come:
 hee has pray his Pible well, dat he is no-come: by gar
 (Iack Rugby) he is dead already, if he be come
 
    Rug. Hee is wise Sir: hee knew your worship would
 kill him if he came
 
    Cai. By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill
 him: take your Rapier, (Iacke) I vill tell you how I vill
 kill him
 
    Rug. Alas sir, I cannot fence
 
    Cai. Villaine, take your Rapier
 
    Rug. Forbeare: heer's company
 
    Host. 'Blesse thee, bully-Doctor
 
    Shal. 'Saue you Mr. Doctor Caius
 
    Page. Now good Mr. Doctor
 
    Slen. 'Giue you good-morrow, sir
 
    Caius. Vat be all you one, two, tree, fowre, come for?
   Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foigne, to see thee
 trauerse, to see thee heere, to see thee there, to see thee
 passe thy puncto, thy stock, thy reuerse, thy distance, thy
 montant: Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco?
 ha Bully? what saies my Esculapius? my Galien? my
 heart of Elder? ha? is he dead bully-Stale? is he dead?
   Cai. By gar, he is de Coward-Iack-Priest of de vorld:
 he is not show his face
 
    Host. Thou art a Castalion-king-Vrinall: Hector of
 Greece (my Boy)
   Cai. I pray you beare witnesse, that me haue stay,
 sixe or seuen, two tree howres for him, and hee is nocome
 
    Shal. He is the wiser man (M[aster]. Doctor) he is a curer of
 soules, and you a curer of bodies: if you should fight, you
 goe against the haire of your professions: is it not true,
 Master Page?
   Page. Master Shallow; you haue your selfe beene a
 great fighter, though now a man of peace
 
    Shal. Body-kins M[aster]. Page, though I now be old, and
 of the peace; if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
 make one: though wee are Iustices, and Doctors, and
 Church-men (M[aster]. Page) wee haue some salt of our youth
 in vs, we are the sons of women (M[aster]. Page.)
   Page. 'Tis true, Mr. Shallow
 
    Shal. It wil be found so, (M[aster]. Page:) M[aster]. Doctor
 Caius,
 I am come to fetch you home: I am sworn of the peace:
 you haue show'd your selfe a wise Physician, and Sir
 Hugh hath showne himselfe a wise and patient Churchman:
 you must goe with me, M[aster]. Doctor
 
    Host. Pardon, Guest-Iustice; a Mounseur Mocke-water
 
    Cai. Mock-vater? vat is dat?
   Host. Mock-water, in our English tongue, is Valour
 (Bully.)
   Cai. By gar, then I haue as much Mock-vater as de
 Englishman: scuruy-Iack-dog-Priest: by gar, mee vill
 cut his eares
 
    Host. He will Clapper-claw thee tightly (Bully.)
   Cai. Clapper-de-claw? vat is dat?
   Host. That is, he will make thee amends
 
    Cai. By-gar, me doe looke hee shall clapper-de-claw
 me, for by-gar, me vill haue it
 
    Host. And I will prouoke him to't, or let him wag
 
    Cai. Me tanck you for dat
 
    Host. And moreouer, (Bully) but first, Mr. Ghuest,
 and M[aster]. Page, & eeke Caualeiro Slender, goe you through
 the Towne to Frogmore
 
    Page. Sir Hugh is there, is he?
   Host. He is there, see what humor he is in: and I will
 bring the Doctor about by the Fields: will it doe well?
   Shal. We will doe it
 
    All. Adieu, good M[aster]. Doctor
 
    Cai. By-gar, me vill kill de Priest, for he speake for a
 Iack-an-Ape to Anne Page
 
    Host. Let him die: sheath thy impatience: throw cold
 water on thy Choller: goe about the fields with mee
 through Frogmore, I will bring thee where Mistris Anne
 Page is, at a Farm-house a Feasting: and thou shalt wooe
 her: Cride-game, said I well?
   Cai. By-gar, mee dancke you vor dat: by gar I loue
 you: and I shall procure 'a you de good Guest: de Earle,
 de Knight, de Lords, de Gentlemen, my patients
 
    Host. For the which, I will be thy aduersary toward
 Anne Page: said I well?
   Cai. By-gar, 'tis good: vell said
 
    Host. Let vs wag then
 
    Cai. Come at my heeles, Iack Rugby.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Actus Tertius. Scoena Prima.
 
 Enter Euans, Simple, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Caius, Rugby.
 
   Euans. I pray you now, good Master Slenders seruingman,
 and friend Simple by your name; which way haue
 you look'd for Master Caius, that calls himselfe Doctor
 of Phisicke
 
    Sim. Marry Sir, the pittie-ward, the Parke-ward:
 euery way: olde Windsor way, and euery way but the
 Towne-way
 
    Euan. I most fehemently desire you, you will also
 looke that way
 
    Sim. I will sir
 
    Euan. 'Plesse my soule: how full of Chollors I am, and
 trempling of minde: I shall be glad if he haue deceiued
 me: how melancholies I am? I will knog his Vrinalls about
 his knaues costard, when I haue good oportunities
 for the orke: 'Plesse my soule: To shallow Riuers to whose
 falls: melodious Birds sings Madrigalls: There will we make
 our Peds of Roses: and a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow:
 'Mercie on mee, I haue a great dispositions to cry.
 Melodious birds sing Madrigalls: - When as I sat in Pabilon:
 and a thousand vagram Posies. To shallow, &c
 
    Sim. Yonder he is comming, this way, Sir Hugh
 
    Euan. Hee's welcome: To shallow Riuers, to whose fals:
 Heauen prosper the right: what weapons is he?
   Sim. No weapons, Sir: there comes my Master, Mr.
 Shallow, and another Gentleman; from Frogmore, ouer
 the stile, this way
 
    Euan. Pray you giue mee my gowne, or else keepe it
 in your armes
 
    Shal. How now Master Parson? good morrow good
 Sir Hugh: keepe a Gamester from the dice, and a good
 Studient from his booke, and it is wonderfull
 
    Slen. Ah sweet Anne Page
 
    Page. 'Saue you, good Sir Hugh
 
    Euan. 'Plesse you from his mercy-sake, all of you
 
    Shal. What? the Sword, and the Word?
 Doe you study them both, Mr. Parson?
   Page. And youthfull still, in your doublet and hose,
 this raw-rumaticke day?
   Euan. There is reasons, and causes for it
 
    Page. We are come to you, to doe a good office, Mr.
 Parson
 
    Euan. Fery-well: what is it?
   Page. Yonder is a most reuerend Gentleman; who
 (be-like) hauing receiued wrong by some person, is at
 most odds with his owne grauity and patience, that euer
 you saw
 
    Shal. I haue liued foure-score yeeres, and vpward: I
 neuer heard a man of his place, grauity, and learning, so
 wide of his owne respect
 
    Euan. What is he?
   Page. I thinke you know him: Mr. Doctor Caius the
 renowned French Physician
 
    Euan. Got's-will, and his passion of my heart: I had
 as lief you would tell me of a messe of porredge
 
    Page. Why?
   Euan. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
   Galen , and hee is a knaue besides: a cowardly knaue, as
 you would desires to be acquainted withall
 
    Page. I warrant you, hee's the man should fight with
 him
 
    Slen. O sweet Anne Page
 
    Shal. It appeares so by his weapons: keepe them asunder:
 here comes Doctor Caius
 
    Page. Nay good Mr. Parson, keepe in your weapon
 
    Shal. So doe you, good Mr. Doctor
 
    Host. Disarme them, and let them question: let them
 keepe their limbs whole, and hack our English
 
    Cai. I pray you let-a-mee speake a word with your
 eare; vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
   Euan. Pray you vse your patience in good time
 
    Cai. By-gar, you are de Coward: de Iack dog: Iohn
 Ape
 
    Euan. Pray you let vs not be laughing-stocks to other
 mens humors: I desire you in friendship, and I will one
 way or other make you amends: I will knog your Vrinal
 about your knaues Cogs-combe
 
    Cai. Diable: Iack Rugby: mine Host de Iarteer: haue I
 not stay for him, to kill him? haue I not at de place I did
 appoint?
   Euan. As I am a Christians-soule, now looke you:
 this is the place appointed, Ile bee iudgement by mine
 Host of the Garter
 
    Host. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaule, French & Welch,
 Soule-Curer, and Body-Curer
 
    Cai. I, dat is very good, excellant
 
    Host. Peace, I say: heare mine Host of the Garter,
 Am I politicke? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiuell?
 Shall I loose my Doctor? No, hee giues me the Potions
 and the Motions. Shall I loose my Parson? my Priest?
 my Sir Hugh? No, he giues me the Prouerbes, and the
 No-verbes. Giue me thy hand (Celestiall) so: Boyes of
 Art, I haue deceiu'd you both: I haue directed you to
 wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skinnes are
 whole, and let burn'd Sacke be the issue: Come, lay their
 swords to pawne: Follow me, Lad of peace, follow, follow,
 follow
 
    Shal. Trust me, a mad Host: follow Gentlemen, follow
 
    Slen. O sweet Anne Page
 
    Cai. Ha' do I perceiue dat? Haue you make-a-de-sot
 of vs, ha, ha?
   Eua. This is well, he has made vs his vlowting-stog:
 I desire you that we may be friends: and let vs knog our
 praines together to be reuenge on this same scall
 scuruy-cogging-companion
 the Host of the Garter
 
    Cai. By gar, with all my heart: he promise to bring
 me where is Anne Page: by gar he deceiue me too
 
    Euan. Well, I will smite his noddles: pray you follow.
 
 Scena Secunda.
 
 Mist.Page, Robin, Ford, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Euans,
 Caius.
 
   Mist.Page. Nay keepe your way (little Gallant) you
 were wont to be a follower, but now you are a Leader:
 whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your masters
 heeles?
   Rob. I had rather (forsooth) go before you like a man,
 then follow him like a dwarfe
 
    M.Pa. O you are a flattering boy, now I see you'l be a
 (Courtier
 
    Ford. Well met mistris Page, whether go you
 
    M.Pa. Truly Sir, to see your wife, is she at home?
   Ford. I, and as idle as she may hang together for want
 of company: I thinke if your husbands were dead, you
 two would marry
 
    M.Pa. Be sure of that, two other husbands
 
    Ford. Where had you this pretty weather-cocke?
   M.Pa. I cannot tell what (the dickens) his name is my
 husband had him of, what do you cal your Knights name sirrah?
   Rob. Sir Iohn Falstaffe
 
    Ford. Sir Iohn Falstaffe
 
    M.Pa. He, he, I can neuer hit on's name; there is such a
 league betweene my goodman, and he: is your Wife at home
 indeed?
   Ford. Indeed she is
 
    M.Pa. By your leaue sir, I am sicke till I see her
 
    Ford. Has Page any braines? Hath he any eies? Hath he
 any thinking? Sure they sleepe, he hath no vse of them:
 why this boy will carrie a letter twentie mile as easie, as
 a Canon will shoot point-blanke twelue score: hee peeces
 out his wiues inclination: he giues her folly motion
 and aduantage: and now she's going to my wife, & Falstaffes
 boy with her: A man may heare this showre sing
 in the winde; and Falstaffes boy with her: good plots,
 they are laide, and our reuolted wiues share damnation
 together. Well, I will take him, then torture my wife,
 plucke the borrowed vaile of modestie from the so-seeming
 Mist[ris]. Page, divulge Page himselfe for a secure and
 wilfull Acteon, and to these violent proceedings all my
 neighbors shall cry aime. The clocke giues me my Qu,
 and my assurance bids me search, there I shall finde Falstaffe:
 I shall be rather praisd for this, then mock'd, for
 it is as possitiue, as the earth is firme, that Falstaffe is
 there: I will go
 
    Shal. Page, &c. Well met Mr Ford
 
    Ford. Trust me, a good knotte; I haue good cheere at
 home, and I pray you all go with me
 
    Shal. I must excuse my selfe Mr Ford
 
    Slen. And so must I Sir,
 We haue appointed to dine with Mistris Anne,
 And I would not breake with her for more mony
 Then Ile speake of
 
    Shal. We haue linger'd about a match betweene An
 Page, and my cozen Slender, and this day wee shall haue
 our answer
 
    Slen. I hope I haue your good will Father Page
 
    Pag. You haue Mr Slender, I stand wholly for you,
 But my wife (Mr Doctor) is for you altogether
 
    Cai. I be-gar, and de Maid is loue-a-me: my nursh-a-Quickly
 tell me so mush
 
    Host. What say you to yong Mr Fenton? He capers,
 he dances, he has eies of youth: he writes verses, hee
 speakes holliday, he smels April and May, he wil carry't,
 he will carry't, 'tis in his buttons, he will carry't
 
    Page. Not by my consent I promise you. The Gentleman
 is of no hauing, hee kept companie with the wilde
 Prince, and Pointz: he is of too high a Region, he knows
 too much: no, hee shall not knit a knot in his fortunes,
 with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him
 take her simply: the wealth I haue waits on my consent,
 and my consent goes not that way
 
    Ford. I beseech you heartily, some of you goe home
 with me to dinner: besides your cheere you shall haue
 sport, I will shew you a monster: Mr Doctor, you shal
 go, so shall you Mr Page, and you Sir Hugh
 
    Shal. Well, fare you well:
 We shall haue the freer woing at Mr Pages
 
    Cai. Go home Iohn Rugby, I come anon
 
    Host. Farewell my hearts, I will to my honest Knight
 Falstaffe, and drinke Canarie with him
 
    Ford. I thinke I shall drinke in Pipe-wine first with
 him, Ile make him dance. Will you go Gentles?
   All. Haue with you, to see this Monster.
 
 
 
 Scena Tertia.
 
 Enter M.Ford, M.Page, Seruants, Robin, Falstaffe, Ford, Page,
 Caius,
 Euans.
 
   Mist.Ford. What Iohn, what Robert
 
    M.Page. Quickly, quickly: Is the Buck-basket -
   Mis.Ford. I warrant. What Robin I say
 
    Mis.Page. Come, come, come
 
    Mist.Ford. Heere, set it downe
 
    M.Pag. Giue your men the charge, we must be briefe
 
    M.Ford. Marrie, as I told you before (Iohn & Robert)
 be ready here hard-by in the Brew-house, & when I sodainly
 call you, come forth, and (without any pause, or
 staggering) take this basket on your shoulders: y done,
 trudge with it in all hast, and carry it among the Whitsters
 in Dotchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddie
 ditch, close by the Thames side
 
    M.Page. You will do it?
   M.Ford. I ha told them ouer and ouer, they lacke no direction.
 Be gone, and come when you are call'd
 
    M.Page. Here comes little Robin
 
    Mist.Ford. How now my Eyas-Musket, what newes with you?
   Rob. My M[aster]. Sir Iohn is come in at your backe doore
 (Mist[ris]. Ford, and requests your company
 
    M.Page. You litle Iack-a-lent, haue you bin true to vs
   Rob. I, Ile be sworne: my Master knowes not of your
 being heere: and hath threatned to put me into euerlasting
 liberty, if I tell you of it: for he sweares he'll turne
 me away
 
    Mist.Pag. Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine
 shall be a Tailor to thee, and shal make thee a new doublet
 and hose. Ile go hide me
 
    Mi.Ford. Do so: go tell thy Master, I am alone: Mistris
 Page, remember you your Qu
 
    Mist.Pag. I warrant thee, if I do not act it, hisse me
 
    Mist.Ford. Go-too then: we'l vse this vnwholsome
 humidity, this grosse-watry Pumpion; we'll teach him
 to know Turtles from Iayes
 
    Fal. Haue I caught thee, my heauenly Iewell? Why
 now let me die, for I haue liu'd long enough: This is the
 period of my ambition: O this blessed houre
 
    Mist.Ford. O sweet Sir Iohn
 
    Fal. Mistris Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate (Mist[ris].
 Ford) now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy Husband
 were dead, Ile speake it before the best Lord, I would
 make thee my Lady
 
    Mist.Ford. I your Lady Sir Iohn? Alas, I should bee a
 pittifull Lady
 
    Fal. Let the Court of France shew me such another:
 I see how thine eye would emulate the Diamond: Thou
 hast the right arched-beauty of the brow, that becomes
 the Ship-tyre, the Tyre-valiant, or any Tire of Venetian
 admittance
 
    Mist.Ford. A plaine Kerchiefe, Sir Iohn:
 My browes become nothing else, nor that well neither
 
    Fal. Thou art a tyrant to say so: thou wouldst make
 an absolute Courtier, and the firme fixture of thy foote,
 would giue an excellent motion to thy gate, in a semicircled
 Farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune thy
 foe, were not Nature thy friend: Come, thou canst not
 hide it
 
    Mist.Ford. Beleeue me, ther's no such thing in me
 
    Fal. What made me loue thee? Let that perswade
 thee. Ther's something extraordinary in thee: Come, I
 cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a-manie
 of these lisping-hauthorne buds, that come like women
 in mens apparrell, and smell like Bucklers-berry in simple
 time: I cannot, but I loue thee, none but thee; and
 thou deseru'st it
 
    M.Ford. Do not betray me sir, I fear you loue M[istris]. Page
 
    Fal. Thou mightst as well say, I loue to walke by the
 Counter-gate, which is as hatefull to me, as the reeke of
 a Lime-kill
 
    Mis.Ford. Well, heauen knowes how I loue you,
 And you shall one day finde it
 
    Fal. Keepe in that minde, Ile deserue it
 
    Mist.Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you doe;
 Or else I could not be in that minde
 
    Rob. Mistris Ford, Mistris Ford: heere's Mistris Page at
 the doore, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildely,
 and would needs speake with you presently
 
    Fal. She shall not see me, I will ensconce mee behinde
 the Arras
 
    M.Ford. Pray you do so, she's a very tatling woman.
 Whats the matter? How now?
   Mist.Page. O mistris Ford what haue you done?
 You'r sham'd, y'are ouerthrowne, y'are vndone for euer
 
    M.Ford. What's the matter, good mistris Page?
   M.Page. O weladay, mist[ris]. Ford, hauing an honest man
 to your husband, to giue him such cause of suspition
 
    M.Ford. What cause of suspition?
   M.Page. What cause of suspition? Out vpon you:
 How am I mistooke in you?
   M.Ford. Why (alas) what's the matter?
   M.Page. Your husband's comming hether (Woman)
 with all the Officers in Windsor, to search for a Gentleman,
 that he sayes is heere now in the house; by your
 consent to take an ill aduantage of his absence: you are
 vndone
 
    M.Ford. 'Tis not so, I hope
 
    M.Page. Pray heauen it be not so, that you haue such
 a man heere: but 'tis most certaine your husband's comming,
 with halfe Windsor at his heeles, to serch for such
 a one, I come before to tell you: If you know your selfe
 cleere, why I am glad of it: but if you haue a friend here,
 conuey, conuey him out. Be not amaz'd, call all your
 senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farwell to
 your good life for euer
 
    M.Ford. What shall I do? There is a Gentleman my
 deere friend: and I feare not mine owne shame so much,
 as his perill. I had rather then a thousand pound he were
 out of the house
 
    M.Page. For shame, neuer stand (you had rather, and
 you had rather:) your husband's heere at hand, bethinke
 you of some conueyance: in the house you cannot hide
 him. Oh, how haue you deceiu'd me? Looke, heere is a
 basket, if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creepe
 in heere, and throw fowle linnen vpon him, as if it were
 going to bucking: Or it is whiting time, send him by
 your two men to Datchet-Meade
 
    M.Ford. He's too big to go in there: what shall I do?
   Fal. Let me see't, let me see't, O let me see't:
 Ile in, Ile in: Follow your friends counsell, Ile in
 
    M.Page. What Sir Iohn Falstaffe? Are these your Letters,
 Knight?
   Fal. I loue thee, helpe mee away: let me creepe in
 heere: ile neuer -
   M.Page. Helpe to couer your master (Boy:) Call
 your men (Mist[ris]. Ford.) You dissembling Knight
 
    M.Ford. What Iohn, Robert, Iohn; Go, take vp these
 cloathes heere, quickly: Wher's the Cowle-staffe? Look
 how you drumble? Carry them to the Landresse in Datchet
 mead: quickly, come
 
    Ford. 'Pray you come nere: if I suspect without cause,
 Why then make sport at me, then let me be your iest,
 I deserue it: How now? Whether beare you this?
   Ser. To the Landresse forsooth?
   M.Ford. Why, what haue you to doe whether they
 beare it? You were best meddle with buck-washing
 
    Ford. Buck? I would I could wash my selfe of y Buck:
 Bucke, bucke, bucke, I bucke: I warrant you Bucke,
 And of the season too; it shall appeare.
 Gentlemen, I haue dream'd to night, Ile tell you my
 dreame: heere, heere, heere bee my keyes, ascend my
 Chambers, search, seeke, finde out: Ile warrant wee'le
 vnkennell the Fox. Let me stop this way first: so, now
 vncape
 
    Page. Good master Ford, be contented:
 You wrong your selfe too much
 
    Ford. True (master Page) vp Gentlemen,
 You shall see sport anon:
 Follow me Gentlemen
 
    Euans. This is fery fantasticall humors and iealousies
 
    Caius. By gar, 'tis no-the fashion of France:
 It is not iealous in France
 
    Page. Nay follow him (Gentlemen) see the yssue of
 his search
 
    Mist.Page. Is there not a double excellency in this?
   Mist.Ford. I know not which pleases me better,
 That my husband is deceiued, or Sir Iohn
 
    Mist.Page. What a taking was hee in, when your
 husband askt who was in the basket?
   Mist.Ford. I am halfe affraid he will haue neede of
 washing: so throwing him into the water, will doe him
 a benefit
 
    Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest rascall: I would all
 of the same straine, were in the same distresse
 
    Mist.Ford. I thinke my husband hath some speciall
 suspition of Falstaffs being heere: for I neuer saw him so
 grosse in his iealousie till now
 
    Mist.Page. I will lay a plot to try that, and wee will
 yet haue more trickes with Falstaffe: his dissolute disease
 will scarse obey this medicine
 
    Mis.Ford. Shall we send that foolishion Carion, Mist[ris].
 Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,
 and giue him another hope, to betray him to another
 punishment?
   Mist.Page. We will do it: let him be sent for to morrow
 eight a clocke to haue amends
 
    Ford. I cannot finde him: may be the knaue bragg'd
 of that he could not compasse
 
    Mis.Page. Heard you that?
   Mis.Ford. You vse me well, M[aster]. Ford? Do you?
   Ford. I, I do so
 
    M.Ford. Heauen make you better then your thoghts
   Ford. Amen
 
    Mi.Page. You do your selfe mighty wrong (M[aster]. Ford)
   Ford. I, I: I must beare it
 
    Eu. If there be any pody in the house, & in the chambers,
 and in the coffers, and in the presses: heauen forgiue
 my sins at the day of iudgement
 
    Caius. Be gar, nor I too: there is no-bodies
 
    Page. Fy, fy, M[aster]. Ford, are you not asham'd? What spirit,
 what diuell suggests this imagination? I wold not ha
 your distemper in this kind, for y welth of Windsor castle
 
    Ford. 'Tis my fault (M[aster]. Page) I suffer for it
 
    Euans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
 as honest a o'mans, as I will desires among fiue thousand,
 and fiue hundred too
 
    Cai. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman
 
    Ford. Well, I promisd you a dinner: come, come, walk
 in the Parke, I pray you pardon me: I wil hereafter make
 knowne to you why I haue done this. Come wife, come
 Mi[stris]. Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray hartly pardon me
 
    Page. Let's go in Gentlemen, but (trust me) we'l mock
 him: I doe inuite you to morrow morning to my house
 to breakfast: after we'll a Birding together, I haue a fine
 Hawke for the bush. Shall it be so:
   Ford. Any thing
 
    Eu. If there is one, I shall make two in the Companie
   Ca. If there be one, or two, I shall make-a-theturd
 
    Ford. Pray you go, M[aster]. Page
 
    Eua. I pray you now remembrance to morrow on the
 lowsie knaue, mine Host
 
    Cai. Dat is good by gar, withall my heart
 
    Eua. A lowsie knaue, to haue his gibes, and his mockeries.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scoena Quarta.
 
 Enter Fenton, Anne, Page, Shallow, Slender, Quickly, Page,
 Mist.Page.
 
   Fen. I see I cannot get thy Fathers loue,
 Therefore no more turne me to him (sweet Nan.)
   Anne. Alas, how then?
   Fen. Why thou must be thy selfe.
 He doth obiect, I am too great of birth,
 And that my state being gall'd with my expence,
 I seeke to heale it onely by his wealth.
 Besides these, other barres he layes before me,
 My Riots past, my wilde Societies,
 And tels me 'tis a thing impossible
 I should loue thee, but as a property
 
    An. May be he tels you true.
 No, heauen so speed me in my time to come,
 Albeit I will confesse, thy Fathers wealth
 Was the first motiue that I woo'd thee (Anne:)
 Yet wooing thee, I found thee of more valew
 Then stampes in Gold, or summes in sealed bagges:
 And 'tis the very riches of thy selfe,
 That now I ayme at
 
    An. Gentle M[aster]. Fenton,
 Yet seeke my Fathers loue, still seeke it sir,
 If opportunity and humblest suite
 Cannot attaine it, why then harke you hither
 
    Shal. Breake their talke Mistris Quickly.
 My Kinsman shall speake for himselfe
 
    Slen. Ile make a shaft or a bolt on't, slid, tis but venturing
 
    Shal. Be not dismaid
 
    Slen. No, she shall not dismay me:
 I care not for that, but that I am affeard
 
    Qui. Hark ye, M[aster]. Slender would speak a word with you
   An. I come to him. This is my Fathers choice:
 O what a world of vilde ill-fauour'd faults
 Lookes handsome in three hundred pounds a yeere?
   Qui. And how do's good Master Fenton?
 Pray you a word with you
 
    Shal. Shee's comming; to her Coz:
 O boy, thou hadst a father
 
    Slen. I had a father (M[istris]. An) my vncle can tel you good
 iests of him: pray you Vncle, tel Mist[ris]. Anne the iest how
 my Father stole two Geese out of a Pen, good Vnckle
 
    Shal. Mistris Anne, my Cozen loues you
 
    Slen. I that I do, as well as I loue any woman in Glocestershire
 
    Shal. He will maintaine you like a Gentlewoman
 
    Slen. I that I will, come cut and long-taile, vnder the
 degree of a Squire
 
    Shal. He will make you a hundred and fiftie pounds
 ioynture
 
    Anne. Good Maister Shallow let him woo for himselfe
 
    Shal. Marrie I thanke you for it: I thanke you for
 that good comfort: she cals you (Coz) Ile leaue you
 
    Anne. Now Master Slender
 
    Slen. Now good Mistris Anne
 
    Anne. What is your will?
   Slen. My will? Odd's-hartlings, that's a prettie
 iest indeede: I ne're made my Will yet (I thanke Heauen:)
 I am not such a sickely creature, I giue Heauen
 praise
 
    Anne. I meane (M[aster]. Slender) what wold you with me?
   Slen. Truely, for mine owne part, I would little or
 nothing with you: your father and my vncle hath made
 motions: if it be my lucke, so; if not, happy man bee his
 dole, they can tell you how things go, better then I can:
 you may aske your father, heere he comes
 
    Page. Now Mr Slender; Loue him daughter Anne.
 Why how now? What does Mr Fenten here?
 You wrong me Sir, thus still to haunt my house.
 I told you Sir, my daughter is disposd of
 
    Fen. Nay Mr Page, be not impatient
 
    Mist.Page. Good M[aster]. Fenton, come not to my child
 
    Page. She is no match for you
 
    Fen. Sir, will you heare me?
   Page. No, good M[aster]. Fenton.
 Come M[aster]. Shallow: Come sonne Slender, in;
 Knowing my minde, you wrong me (M[aster]. Fenton.)
   Qui. Speake to Mistris Page
 
    Fen. Good Mist[ris]. Page, for that I loue your daughter
 In such a righteous fashion as I do,
 Perforce, against all checkes, rebukes, and manners,
 I must aduance the colours of my loue,
 And not retire. Let me haue your good will
 
    An. Good mother, do not marry me to yond foole
 
    Mist.Page. I meane it not, I seeke you a better husband
 
    Qui. That's my master, M[aster]. Doctor
 
    An. Alas I had rather be set quick i'th earth,
 And bowl'd to death with Turnips
 
    Mist.Page. Come, trouble not your selfe good M[aster].
 Fenton, I will not be your friend, nor enemy:
 My daughter will I question how she loues you,
 And as I finde her, so am I affected:
 Till then, farewell Sir, she must needs go in,
 Her father will be angry
 
    Fen. Farewell gentle Mistris: farewell Nan
 
    Qui. This is my doing now: Nay, saide I, will you
 cast away your childe on a Foole, and a Physitian:
 Looke on M[aster]. Fenton, this is my doing
 
    Fen. I thanke thee: and I pray thee once to night,
 Giue my sweet Nan this Ring: there's for thy paines
 
    Qui. Now heauen send thee good fortune, a kinde
 heart he hath: a woman would run through fire & water
 for such a kinde heart. But yet, I would my Maister
 had Mistris Anne, or I would M[aster]. Slender had her: or (in
 sooth) I would M[aster]. Fenton had her; I will do what I can
 for them all three, for so I haue promisd, and Ile bee as
 good as my word, but speciously for M[aster]. Fenton. Well, I
 must of another errand to Sir Iohn Falstaffe from my two
 Mistresses: what a beast am I to slacke it.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 Scena Quinta.
 
 Enter Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Quickly, Ford.
 
   Fal. Bardolfe I say
 
    Bar. Heere Sir
 
    Fal. Go, fetch me a quart of Sacke, put a tost in't.
 Haue I liu'd to be carried in a Basket like a barrow of
 butchers Offall? and to be throwne in the Thames? Wel,
 if I be seru'd such another tricke, Ile haue my braines
 'tane out and butter'd, and giue them to a dogge for a
 New-yeares gift. The rogues slighted me into the riuer
 with as little remorse, as they would haue drown'de a
 blinde bitches Puppies, fifteene i'th litter: and you may
 know by my size, that I haue a kinde of alacrity in sinking:
 if the bottome were as deepe as hell, I shold down.
 I had beene drown'd, but that the shore was sheluy and
 shallow: a death that I abhorre: for the water swelles a
 man; and what a thing should I haue beene, when I
 had beene swel'd? I should haue beene a Mountaine of
 Mummie
 
    Bar. Here's M[istris]. Quickly Sir to speake with you
 
    Fal. Come, let me poure in some Sack to the Thames
 water: for my bellies as cold as if I had swallow'd snowbals,
 for pilles to coole the reines. Call her in
 
    Bar. Come in woman
 
    Qui. By your leaue: I cry you mercy?
 Giue your worship good morrow
 
    Fal. Take away these Challices:
 Go, brew me a pottle of Sacke finely
 
    Bard. With Egges, Sir?
   Fal. Simple of it selfe: Ile no Pullet-Spersme in my
 brewage. How now?
   Qui. Marry Sir, I come to your worship from M[istris]. Ford
 
    Fal. Mist[ris]. Ford? I haue had Ford enough: I was thrown
 into the Ford; I haue my belly full of Ford
 
    Qui. Alas the day, (good-heart) that was not her
 fault: she do's so take on with her men; they mistooke
 their erection
 
    Fal. So did I mine, to build vpon a foolish Womans promise
 
    Qui. Well, she laments Sir for it, that it would yern
 your heart to see it: her husband goes this morning a
 birding; she desires you once more to come to her, betweene
 eight and nine: I must carry her word quickely,
 she'll make you amends I warrant you
 
    Fal. Well, I will visit her, tell her so: and bidde her
 thinke what a man is: Let her consider his frailety, and
 then iudge of my merit
 
    Qui. I will tell her
 
    Fal. Do so. Betweene nine and ten saist thou?
   Qui. Eight and nine Sir
 
    Fal. Well, be gone: I will not misse her
 
    Qui. Peace be with you Sir
 
    Fal. I meruaile I heare not of Mr Broome: he sent me
 word to stay within: I like his money well.
 Oh, heere he comes
 
    Ford. Blesse you Sir
 
    Fal. Now M[aster]. Broome, you come to know
 What hath past betweene me, and Fords wife
 
    Ford. That indeed (Sir Iohn) is my businesse
 
    Fal. M[aster]. Broome I will not lye to you,
 I was at her house the houre she appointed me
 
    Ford. And sped you Sir?
   Fal. Very ill-fauouredly M[aster]. Broome
 
    Ford. How so sir, did she change her determination?
   Fal. No (M[aster]. Broome) but the peaking Curnuto her husband
 (M[aster]. Broome) dwelling in a continual larum of ielousie,
 coms me in the instant of our encounter, after we had
 embrast, kist, protested, & (as it were) spoke the prologue
 of our Comedy: and at his heeles, a rabble of his companions,
 thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper,
 and (forsooth) to serch his house for his wiues Loue
 
    Ford. What? While you were there?
   Fal. While I was there
 
    For. And did he search for you, & could not find you?
   Fal. You shall heare. As good lucke would haue it,
 comes in one Mist[ris]. Page, giues intelligence of Fords approch:
 and in her inuention, and Fords wiues distraction,
 they conuey'd me into a bucke-basket
 
    Ford. A Buck-basket?
   Fal. Yes: a Buck-basket: ram'd mee in with foule
 Shirts and Smockes, Socks, foule Stockings, greasie
 Napkins, that (Master Broome) there was the rankest
 compound of villanous smell, that euer offended nostrill
 
    Ford. And how long lay you there?
   Fal. Nay, you shall heare (Master Broome) what I
 haue sufferd, to bring this woman to euill, for your
 good: Being thus cram'd in the Basket, a couple of
 Fords knaues, his Hindes, were cald forth by their Mistris,
 to carry mee in the name of foule Cloathes to
 Datchet-lane: they tooke me on their shoulders: met
 the iealous knaue their Master in the doore; who
 ask'd them once or twice what they had in their Basket?
 I quak'd for feare least the Lunatique Knaue
 would haue search'd it: but Fate (ordaining he should
 be a Cuckold) held his hand: well, on went hee, for
 a search, and away went I for foule Cloathes: But
 marke the sequell (Master Broome) I suffered the pangs
 of three seuerall deaths: First, an intollerable fright,
 to be detected with a iealious rotten Bell-weather:
 Next to be compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference
 of a Pecke, hilt to point, heele to head. And
 then to be stopt in like a strong distillation with stinking
 Cloathes, that fretted in their owne grease:
 thinke of that, a man of my Kidney; thinke of that,
 that am as subiect to heate as butter; a man of continuall
 dissolution, and thaw: it was a miracle to scape
 suffocation. And in the height of this Bath (when I
 was more then halfe stew'd in grease (like a Dutch-dish)
 to be throwne into the Thames, and
 coold, glowing-hot, in that serge like a Horse-shoo;
 thinke of that; hissing hot: thinke of that (Master
 Broome.)
   Ford. In good sadnesse Sir, I am sorry, that for my sake
 you haue sufferd all this.
 My suite then is desperate: You'll vndertake her no
 more?
   Fal. Master Broome: I will be throwne into Etna,
 as I haue beene into Thames, ere I will leaue her thus;
 her Husband is this morning gone a Birding: I
 haue receiued from her another ambassie of meeting:
 'twixt eight and nine is the houre (Master
 Broome.)
   Ford. 'Tis past eight already Sir
 
    Fal. Is it? I will then addresse mee to my appointment:
 Come to mee at your conuenient leisure, and
 you shall know how I speede: and the conclusion
 shall be crowned with your enioying her: adiew: you
 shall haue her (Master Broome) Master Broome, you shall
 cuckold Ford
 
    Ford. Hum: ha? Is this a vision? Is this a dreame?
 doe I sleepe? Master Ford awake, awake Master Ford:
 ther's a hole made in your best coate (Master Ford:) this
 'tis to be married; this 'tis to haue Lynnen, and Buckbaskets:
 Well, I will proclaime my selfe what I am:
 I will now take the Leacher: hee is at my house: hee
 cannot scape me: 'tis impossible hee should: hee cannot
 creepe into a halfe-penny purse, nor into a PepperBoxe:
 But least the Diuell that guides him, should
 aide him, I will search impossible places: though
 what I am, I cannot auoide; yet to be what I would
 not, shall not make me tame: If I haue hornes, to make
 one mad, let the prouerbe goe with me, Ile be hornemad.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Actus Quartus. Scoena Prima.
 
 Enter Mistris Page, Quickly, William, Euans.
 
   Mist.Pag. Is he at M[aster]. Fords already think'st thou?
   Qui. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but
 truely he is very couragious mad, about his throwing
 into the water. Mistris Ford desires you to come sodainely
 
    Mist.Pag. Ile be with her by and by: Ile but bring
 my yong-man here to Schoole: looke where his Master
 comes; 'tis a playing day I see: how now Sir Hugh, no
 Schoole to day?
   Eua. No: Master Slender is let the Boyes leaue to play
 
    Qui 'Blessing of his heart
 
    Mist.Pag. Sir Hugh, my husband saies my sonne profits
 nothing in the world at his Booke: I pray you aske
 him some questions in his Accidence
 
    Eu. Come hither William; hold vp your head; come
 
    Mist.Pag. Come-on Sirha; hold vp your head; answere
 your Master, be not afraid
 
    Eua. William, how many Numbers is in Nownes?
   Will. Two
 
    Qui. Truely, I thought there had bin one Number
 more, because they say od's-Nownes
 
    Eua. Peace, your tatlings. What is (Faire) William?
   Will. Pulcher
 
    Qu. Powlcats? there are fairer things then Powlcats,
 sure
 
    Eua. You are a very simplicity o'man: I pray you
 peace. What is (Lapis) William?
   Will. A Stone
 
    Eua. And what is a Stone (William?)
   Will. A Peeble
 
    Eua. No; it is Lapis: I pray you remember in your
 praine
 
    Will. Lapis
 
    Eua. That is a good William: what is he (William) that
 do's lend Articles
 
    Will. Articles are borrowed of the Pronoune; and be
 thus declined. Singulariter nominatiuo hic, haec, hoc
 
    Eua. Nominatiuo hig, hag, hog: pray you marke: genitiuo
 huius: Well: what is your Accusatiue-case?
   Will. Accusatiuo hinc
 
    Eua. I pray you haue your remembrance (childe) Accusatiuo
 hing, hang, hog
 
    Qu. Hang-hog, is latten for Bacon, I warrant you
 
    Eua. Leaue your prables (o'man) What is the Focatiue
 case (William?)
   Will. O, Vocatiuo, O
 
    Eua. Remember William, Focatiue, is caret
 
    Qu. And that's a good roote
 
    Eua. O'man, forbeare
 
    Mist.Pag. Peace
 
    Eua. What is your Genitiue case plurall (William?)
   Will. Genitiue case?
   Eua. I
 
    Will. Genitiue horum, harum, horum
 
    Qu. 'Vengeance of Ginyes case; fie on her; neuer
 name her (childe) if she be a whore
 
    Eua. For shame o'man
 
    Qu. You doe ill to teach the childe such words: hee
 teaches him to hic, and to hac; which they'll doe fast
 enough of themselues, and to call horum; fie vpon you
 
    Euans. O'man, art thou Lunatics? Hast thou no vnderstandings
 for thy Cases, & the numbers of the Genders?
 Thou art as foolish Christian creatures, as I would
 desires
 
    Mi.Page. Pre'thee hold thy peace
 
    Eu. Shew me now (William) some declensions of your
 Pronounes
 
    Will. Forsooth, I haue forgot
 
    Eu. It is Qui, que, quod; if you forget your Quies,
 your Ques, and your Quods, you must be preeches: Goe
 your waies and play, go
 
    M.Pag. He is a better scholler then I thought he was
 
    Eu. He is a good sprag-memory: Farewel Mis[tris]. Page
 
    Mis.Page. Adieu good Sir Hugh:
 Get you home boy, Come we stay too long.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scena Secunda.
 
 Enter Falstoffe, Mist.Ford, Mist.Page, Seruants, Ford, Page, Caius,
 Euans,
 Shallow.
 
   Fal. Mi[stris]. Ford, Your sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance;
 I see you are obsequious in your loue, and I professe
 requitall to a haires bredth, not onely Mist[ris]. Ford,
 in the simple office of loue, but in all the accustrement,
 complement, and ceremony of it: But are you sure of
 your husband now?
   Mis.Ford. Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn.)
   Mis.Page. What hoa, gossip Ford: what hoa
 
    Mis.Ford. Step into th' chamber, Sir Iohn
 
    Mis.Page. How now (sweete heart) whose at home
 besides your selfe?
   Mis.Ford. Why none but mine owne people
 
    Mis.Page. Indeed?
   Mis.Ford. No certainly: Speake louder
 
    Mist.Pag. Truly, I am so glad you haue no body here
 
    Mist.Ford. Why?
   Mis.Page. Why woman, your husband is in his olde
 lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so
 railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues
 daughters, of what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes
 himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-out, peere-out,
 that any madnesse I euer yet beheld, seem'd but tamenesse,
 ciuility, and patience to this his distemper he is in
 now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere
 
    Mist.Ford. Why, do's he talke of him?
   Mist.Page. Of none but him, and sweares he was caried
 out the last time hee search'd for him, in a Basket:
 Protests to my husband he is now heere, & hath drawne
 him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
 make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad
 the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne foolerie
 
    Mist.Ford. How neere is he Mistris Page?
   Mist.Pag. Hard by, at street end; he wil be here anon
 
    Mist.Ford. I am vndone, the Knight is heere
 
    Mist.Page. Why then you are vtterly sham'd, & hee's
 but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with
 him, away with him: Better shame, then murther
 
    Mist.Ford. Which way should he go? How should I
 bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe?
   Fal. No, Ile come no more i'th Basket:
 May I not go out ere he come?
   Mist.Page. Alas: three of Mr. Fords brothers watch
 the doore with Pistols, that none shall issue out: otherwise
 you might slip away ere hee came: But what make
 you heere?
   Fal. What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney
 
    Mist.Ford. There they alwaies vse to discharge their
 Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole
 
    Fal. Where is it?
   Mist.Ford. He will seeke there on my word: Neyther
 Presse, Coffer, Chest, Trunke, Well, Vault, but he hath
 an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
 to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the
 house
 
    Fal. Ile go out then
 
    Mist.Ford. If you goe out in your owne semblance,
 you die Sir Iohn, vnlesse you go out disguis'd
 
    Mist.Ford. How might we disguise him?
   Mist.Page. Alas the day I know not, there is no womans
 gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might
 put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchiefe, and so escape
 
    Fal. Good hearts, deuise something: any extremitie,
 rather then a mischiefe
 
    Mist.Ford. My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford,
 has a gowne aboue
 
    Mist.Page. On my word it will serue him: shee's as
 big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler
 too: run vp Sir Iohn
 
    Mist.Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir Iohn: Mistris Page and
 I will looke some linnen for your head
 
    Mist.Page. Quicke, quicke, wee'le come dresse you
 straight: put on the gowne the while
 
    Mist.Ford. I would my husband would meete him
 in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford;
 he sweares she's a witch, forbad her my house, and
 hath threatned to beate her
 
    Mist.Page. Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell:
 and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards
 
    Mist.Ford. But is my husband comming?
   Mist.Page. I in good sadnesse is he, and talkes of the
 basket too, howsoeuer he hath had intelligence
 
    Mist.Ford. Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to
 carry the basket againe, to meete him at the doore with
 it, as they did last time
 
    Mist.Page. Nay, but hee'l be heere presently: let's go
 dresse him like the witch of Brainford
 
    Mist.Ford. Ile first direct my men, what they
 shall doe with the basket: Goe vp, Ile bring linnen for
 him straight
 
    Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest Varlet,
 We cannot misuse enough:
 We'll leaue a proofe by that which we will doo,
 Wiues may be merry, and yet honest too:
 We do not acte that often, iest, and laugh,
 'Tis old, but true, Still Swine eats all the draugh
 
    Mist.Ford. Go Sirs, take the basket againe on your
 shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you
 set it downe, obey him: quickly, dispatch
 
    1 Ser. Come, come, take it vp
 
    2 Ser. Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe
 
    1 Ser. I hope not, I had liefe as beare so much lead
 
    Ford. I, but if it proue true (Mr. Page) haue you any
 way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket
 villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket:
 Oh you Panderly Rascals, there's a knot: a gin, a packe,
 a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd.
 What wife I say: Come, come forth: behold what honest
 cloathes you send forth to bleaching
 
    Page. Why, this passes M[aster]. Ford: you are not to goe
 loose any longer, you must be pinnion'd
 
    Euans. Why, this is Lunaticks: this is madde, as a
 mad dogge
 
    Shall. Indeed M[aster]. Ford, this is not well indeed
 
    Ford. So say I too Sir, come hither Mistris Ford, Mistris
 Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the vertuous
 creature, that hath the iealious foole to her husband:
 I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?
   Mist.Ford. Heauen be my witnesse you doe, if you
 suspect me in any dishonesty
 
    Ford. Well said Brazon-face, hold it out: Come forth
 sirrah
 
    Page. This passes
 
    Mist.Ford. Are you not asham'd, let the cloths alone
 
    Ford. I shall finde you anon
 
    Eua. 'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues
 cloathes? Come, away
 
    Ford. Empty the basket I say
 
    M.Ford. Why man, why?
   Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conuay'd
 out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
 may not he be there againe, in my house I am sure he is:
 my Intelligence is true, my iealousie is reasonable, pluck
 me out all the linnen
 
    Mist.Ford. If you find a man there, he shall dye a Fleas
 death
 
    Page. Heer's no man
 
    Shal. By my fidelity this is not well Mr. Ford: This
 wrongs you
 
    Euans. Mr Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
 imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies
 
    Ford. Well, hee's not heere I seeke for
 
    Page. No, nor no where else but in your braine
 
    Ford. Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find
 not what I seeke, shew no colour for my extremity: Let
 me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of me, as
 iealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his
 wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once more, once more serch
 with me
 
    M.Ford. What hoa (Mistris Page,) come you and
 the old woman downe: my husband will come into the
 Chamber
 
    Ford. Old woman? what old womans that?
   M.Ford. Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford
 
    Ford. A witch, a Queane, an olde couzening queane:
 Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands
 do's she? We are simple men, wee doe not know what's
 brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling.
 She workes by Charmes, by Spels, by th' Figure, & such
 dawbry as this is, beyond our Element: wee know nothing.
 Come downe you Witch, you Hagge you, come
 downe I say
 
    Mist.Ford. Nay, good sweet husband, good Gentlemen,
 let him strike the old woman
 
    Mist.Page. Come mother Prat, Come giue me your
 hand
 
    Ford. Ile Prat-her: Out of my doore, you Witch,
 you Ragge, you Baggage, you Poulcat, you Runnion,
 out, out: Ile coniure you, Ile fortune-tell you
 
    Mist.Page. Are you not asham'd?
 I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman
 
    Mist.Ford. Nay he will do it, 'tis a goodly credite
 for you
 
    Ford. Hang her witch
 
    Eua. By yea, and no, I thinke the o'man is a witch indeede:
 I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie
 a great peard vnder his muffler
 
    Ford. Will you follow Gentlemen, I beseech you follow:
 see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus
 vpon no traile, neuer trust me when I open againe
 
    Page. Let's obey his humour a little further:
 Come Gentlemen
 
    Mist.Page. Trust me he beate him most pittifully
 
    Mist.Ford. Nay by th' Masse that he did not: he beate
 him most vnpittifully, me thought
 
    Mist.Page. Ile haue the cudgell hallow'd, and hung
 ore the Altar, it hath done meritorious seruice
 
    Mist.Ford. What thinke you? May we with the warrant
 of woman-hood, and the witnesse of a good conscience,
 pursue him with any further reuenge?
   M.Page. The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out
 of him, if the diuell haue him not in fee-simple, with
 fine and recouery, he will neuer (I thinke) in the way of
 waste, attempt vs againe
 
    Mist.Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue
 seru'd him?
   Mist.Page. Yes, by all meanes: if it be but to scrape
 the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find
 in their hearts, the poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be
 any further afflicted, wee two will still bee the ministers
 
    Mist.Ford. Ile warrant, they'l haue him publiquely
 sham'd, and me thinkes there would be no period to the
 iest, should he not be publikely sham'd
 
    Mist.Page. Come, to the Forge with it, then shape it:
 I would not haue things coole.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 Scena Tertia.
 
 Enter Host and Bardolfe.
 
   Bar. Sir, the Germane desires to haue three of your
 horses: the Duke himselfe will be to morrow at Court,
 and they are going to meet him
 
    Host. What Duke should that be comes so secretly?
 I heare not of him in the Court: let mee speake with the
 Gentlemen, they speake English?
   Bar. I Sir? Ile call him to you
 
    Host. They shall haue my horses, but Ile make them
 pay: Ile sauce them, they haue had my houses a week at
 commaund: I haue turn'd away my other guests, they
 must come off, Ile sawce them, come.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 Scena Quarta.
 
 Enter Page, Ford, Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, and Euans.
 
   Eua. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a o'man as euer
 I did looke vpon
 
    Page. And did he send you both these Letters at an
 instant?
   Mist.Page. Within a quarter of an houre
 
    Ford. Pardon me (wife) henceforth do what y wilt:
 I rather will suspect the Sunne with gold,
 Then thee with wantonnes: Now doth thy honor stand
 (In him that was of late an Heretike)
 As firme as faith
 
    Page. 'Tis well, 'tis well, no more:
 Be not as extreme in submission, as in offence,
 But let our plot go forward: Let our wiues
 Yet once againe (to make vs publike sport)
 Appoint a meeting with this old fat-fellow,
 Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it
 
    Ford. There is no better way then that they spoke of
 
    Page. How? to send him word they'll meete him in
 the Parke at midnight? Fie, fie, he'll neuer come
 
    Eu. You say he has bin throwne in the Riuers: and
 has bin greeuously peaten, as an old o'man: me-thinkes
 there should be terrors in him, that he should not come:
 Me-thinkes his flesh is punish'd, hee shall haue no desires
 
    Page. So thinke I too
 
    M.Ford. Deuise but how you'l vse him whe[n] he comes,
 And let vs two deuise to bring him thether
 
    Mis.Page. There is an old tale goes, that Herne the
 Hunter (sometime a keeper heere in Windsor Forrest)
 Doth all the winter time, at still midnight
 Walke round about an Oake, with great rag'd-hornes,
 And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,
 And make milch-kine yeeld blood, and shakes a chaine
 In a most hideous and dreadfull manner.
 You haue heard of such a Spirit, and well you know
 The superstitious idle-headed-Eld
 Receiu'd, and did deliuer to our age
 This tale of Herne the Hunter, for a truth
 
    Page. Why yet there want not many that do feare
 In deepe of night to walke by this Hernes Oake:
 But what of this?
   Mist.Ford. Marry this is our deuise,
 That Falstaffe at that Oake shall meete with vs
 
    Page. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
 And in this shape, when you haue brought him thether,
 What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
   Mist.Pa. That likewise haue we thoght vpon: & thus:
 Nan Page (my daughter) and my little sonne,
 And three or foure more of their growth, wee'l dresse
 Like Vrchins, Ouphes, and Fairies, greene and white,
 With rounds of waxen Tapers on their heads,
 And rattles in their hands; vpon a sodaine,
 As Falstaffe, she, and I, are newly met,
 Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
 With some diffused song: Vpon their sight
 We two, in great amazednesse will flye:
 Then let them all encircle him about,
 And Fairy-like to pinch the vncleane Knight;
 And aske him why that houre of Fairy Reuell,
 In their so sacred pathes, he dares to tread
 In shape prophane
 
    Ford. And till he tell the truth,
 Let the supposed Fairies pinch him, sound,
 And burne him with their Tapers
 
    Mist.Page. The truth being knowne,
 We'll all present our selues; dis-horne the spirit,
 And mocke him home to Windsor
 
    Ford. The children must
 Be practis'd well to this, or they'll neu'r doo't
 
    Eua. I will teach the children their behauiours: and I
 will be like a Iacke-an-Apes also, to burne the Knight
 with my Taber
 
    Ford. That will be excellent,
 Ile go buy them vizards
 
    Mist.Page. My Nan shall be the Queene of all the
 Fairies, finely attired in a robe of white
 
    Page. That silke will I go buy, and in that time
 Shall M[aster]. Slender steale my Nan away,
 And marry her at Eaton: go, send to Falstaffe straight
 
    Ford. Nay, Ile to him againe in name of Broome,
 Hee'l tell me all his purpose: sure hee'l come
 
    Mist.Page. Feare not you that: Go get vs properties
 And tricking for our Fayries
 
    Euans. Let vs about it,
 It is admirable pleasures, and ferry honest knaueries
 
    Mis.Page. Go Mist[ris]. Ford,
 Send quickly to Sir Iohn, to know his minde:
 Ile to the Doctor, he hath my good will,
 And none but he to marry with Nan Page:
 That Slender (though well landed) is an Ideot:
 And he, my husband best of all affects:
 The Doctor is well monied, and his friends
 Potent at Court: he, none but he shall haue her,
 Though twenty thousand worthier come to craue her.
 
 Scena Quinta.
 
 Enter Host, Simple, Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Euans, Caius, Quickly.
 
   Host. What wouldst thou haue? (Boore) what? (thick
 skin) speake, breathe, discusse: breefe, short, quicke,
 snap
 
    Simp. Marry Sir, I come to speake with Sir Iohn Falstaffe
 from M[aster]. Slender
 
    Host. There's his Chamber, his House, his Castle,
 his standing-bed and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about
 with the story of the Prodigall, fresh and new: go, knock
 and call: hee'l speake like an Anthropophaginian vnto
 thee: Knocke I say
 
    Simp. There's an olde woman, a fat woman gone vp
 into his chamber: Ile be so bold as stay Sir till she come
 downe: I come to speake with her indeed
 
    Host. Ha? A fat woman? The Knight may be robb'd:
 Ile call. Bully-Knight, Bully Sir Iohn: speake from thy
 Lungs Military: Art thou there? It is thine Host, thine
 Ephesian cals
 
    Fal. How now, mine Host?
   Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar taries the comming
 downe of thy fat-woman: Let her descend (Bully) let
 her descend: my Chambers are honourable: Fie, priuacy?
 Fie
 
    Fal. There was (mine Host) an old-fat-woman euen
 now with me, but she's gone
 
    Simp. Pray you Sir, was't not the Wise-woman of
 Brainford?
   Fal. I marry was it (Mussel-shell) what would you
 with her?
   Simp. My Master (Sir) my master Slender, sent to her
 seeing her go thorough the streets, to know (Sir) whether
 one Nim (Sir) that beguil'd him of a chaine, had the
 chaine, or no
 
    Fal. I spake with the old woman about it
 
    Sim. And what sayes she, I pray Sir?
   Fal. Marry shee sayes, that the very same man that
 beguil'd Master Slender of his Chaine, cozon'd him of it
 
    Simp. I would I could haue spoken with the Woman
 her selfe, I had other things to haue spoken with her
 too, from him
 
    Fal. What are they? let vs know
 
    Host. I: come: quicke
 
    Fal. I may not conceale them (Sir.)
   Host. Conceale them, or thou di'st
 
    Sim. Why sir, they were nothing but about Mistris
 Anne Page, to know if it were my Masters fortune to
 haue her, or no
 
    Fal. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune
 
    Sim. What Sir?
   Fal. To haue her, or no: goe; say the woman told
 me so
 
    Sim. May I be bold to say so Sir?
   Fal. I Sir: like who more bold
 
    Sim. I thanke your worship: I shall make my Master
 glad with these tydings
 
    Host. Thou art clearkly: thou art clearkly (Sir Iohn)
 was there a wise woman with thee?
   Fal. I that there was (mine Host) one that hath taught
 me more wit, then euer I learn'd before in my life: and
 I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning
 
    Bar. Out alas (Sir) cozonage: meere cozonage
 
    Host. Where be my horses? speake well of them varletto
 
    Bar. Run away with the cozoners: for so soone as
 I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behinde
 one of them, in a slough of myre; and set spurres, and
 away; like three Germane-diuels; three Doctor Faustasses
 
    Host. They are gone but to meete the Duke (villaine)
 doe not say they be fled: Germanes are honest men
 
    Euan. Where is mine Host?
   Host. What is the matter Sir?
   Euan. Haue a care of your entertainments: there is a
 friend of mine come to Towne, tels mee there is three
 Cozen-Iermans, that has cozend all the Hosts of Reading,
 of Maidenhead; of Cole-brooke, of horses and money: I
 tell you for good will (looke you) you are wise, and full
 of gibes, and vlouting-stocks: and 'tis not conuenient
 you should be cozoned. Fare you well
 
    Cai. Ver' is mine Host de Iarteere?
   Host. Here (Master Doctor) in perplexitie, and doubtfull
 delemma
 
    Cai. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a-me, dat
 you make grand preparation for a Duke de Iamanie: by
 my trot: der is no Duke that the Court is know, to
 come: I tell you for good will: adieu
 
    Host. Huy and cry, (villaine) goe: assist me Knight, I
 am vndone: fly, run: huy, and cry (villaine) I am vndone
 
    Fal. I would all the world might be cozond, for I
 haue beene cozond and beaten too: if it should come
 to the eare of the Court, how I haue beene transformed;
 and how my transformation hath beene washd, and
 cudgeld, they would melt mee out of my fat drop by
 drop, and liquor Fishermens-boots with me: I warrant
 they would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as
 crest-falne as a dride-peare: I neuer prosper'd, since I
 forswore my selfe at Primero: well, if my winde were
 but long enough; I would repent: Now? Whence come
 you?
   Qui. From the two parties forsooth
 
    Fal. The Diuell take one partie, and his Dam the
 other: and so they shall be both bestowed; I haue suffer'd
 more for their sakes; more then the villanous inconstancy
 of mans disposition is able to beare
 
    Qui. And haue not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant; speciously
 one of them; Mistris Ford (good heart) is beaten
 blacke and blew, that you cannot see a white spot about
 her
 
    Fal. What tell'st thou mee of blacke, and blew? I
 was beaten my selfe into all the colours of the Rainebow:
 and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch
 of Braineford, but that my admirable dexteritie of wit,
 my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliuer'd
 me, the knaue Constable had set me ith' Stocks, ith' common
 Stocks, for a Witch
 
    Qu, Sir: let me speake with you in your Chamber,
 you shall heare how things goe, and (I warrant) to your
 content: here is a Letter will say somewhat: (good-hearts)
 what adoe here is to bring you together? Sure,
 one of you do's not serue heauen well, that you are so
 cross'd
 
    Fal. Come vp into my Chamber.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scena Sexta.
 
 Enter Fenton, Host.
 
   Host. Master Fenton, talke not to mee, my minde is
 heauy: I will giue ouer all
 
    Fen. Yet heare me speake: assist me in my purpose,
 And (as I am a gentleman) ile giue thee
 A hundred pound in gold, more then your losse
 
    Host. I will heare you (Master Fenton) and I will (at
 the least) keepe your counsell
 
    Fen. From time to time, I haue acquainted you
 With the deare loue I beare to faire Anne Page,
 Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,
 (So farre forth, as her selfe might be her chooser)
 Euen to my wish; I haue a letter from her
 Of such contents, as you will wonder at;
 The mirth whereof, so larded with my matter,
 That neither (singly) can be manifested
 Without the shew of both: fat Falstaffe
 Hath a great Scene; the image of the iest
 Ile show you here at large (harke good mine Host:)
 To night at Hernes-Oke, iust 'twixt twelue and one,
 Must my sweet Nan present the Faerie-Queene:
 The purpose why, is here: in which disguise
 While other Iests are something ranke on foote,
 Her father hath commanded her to slip
 Away with Slender, and with him, at Eaton
 Immediately to Marry: She hath consented: Now Sir,
 Her Mother, (euen strong against that match
 And firme for Doctor Caius) hath appointed
 That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
 While other sports are tasking of their mindes,
 And at the Deanry, where a Priest attends
 Strait marry her: to this her Mothers plot
 She seemingly obedient) likewise hath
 Made promise to the Doctor: Now, thus it rests,
 Her Father meanes she shall be all in white;
 And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
 To take her by the hand, and bid her goe,
 She shall goe with him: her Mother hath intended
 (The better to deuote her to the Doctor;
 For they must all be mask'd, and vizarded)
 That quaint in greene, she shall be loose en-roab'd,
 With Ribonds-pendant, flaring 'bout her head;
 And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
 To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,
 The maid hath giuen consent to go with him
 
    Host. Which meanes she to deceiue? Father, or Mother
 
    Fen. Both (my good Host) to go along with me:
 And heere it rests, that you'l procure the Vicar
 To stay for me at Church, 'twixt twelue, and one,
 And in the lawfull name of marrying,
 To giue our hearts vnited ceremony
 
    Host. Well, husband your deuice; Ile to the Vicar,
 Bring you the Maid, you shall not lacke a Priest
 
    Fen. So shall I euermore be bound to thee;
 Besides, Ile make a present recompence.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 Actus Quintus. Scoena Prima.
 
 Enter Falstoffe, Quickly, and Ford.
 
   Fal. Pre'thee no more pratling: go, Ile hold, this is
 the third time: I hope good lucke lies in odde numbers:
 Away, go, they say there is Diuinity in odde Numbers,
 either in natiuity, chance, or death: away
 
    Qui. Ile prouide you a chaine, and Ile do what I can
 to get you a paire of hornes
 
    Fall. Away I say, time weares, hold vp your head &
 mince. How now M[aster]. Broome? Master Broome, the matter
 will be knowne to night, or neuer. Bee you in the
 Parke about midnight, at Hernes-Oake, and you shall
 see wonders
 
    Ford. Went you not to her yesterday (Sir) as you told
 me you had appointed?
   Fal. I went to her (Master Broome) as you see, like a
 poore-old-man, but I came from her (Master Broome)
 like a poore-old-woman; that same knaue (Ford hir husband)
 hath the finest mad diuell of iealousie in him (Master
 Broome) that euer gouern'd Frensie. I will tell you,
 he beate me greeuously, in the shape of a woman: (for in
 the shape of Man (Master Broome) I feare not Goliath
 with a Weauers beame, because I know also, life is a
 Shuttle) I am in hast, go along with mee, Ile tell you all
 (Master Broome:) since I pluckt Geese, plaide Trewant,
 and whipt Top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten, till
 lately. Follow mee, Ile tell you strange things of this
 knaue Ford, on whom to night I will be reuenged, and I
 will deliuer his wife into your hand. Follow, straunge
 things in hand (M[aster]. Broome) follow.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scena Secunda.
 
 Enter Page, Shallow, Slender.
 
   Page. Come, come: wee'll couch i'th Castle-ditch,
 till we see the light of our Fairies. Remember son Slender,
 my
   Slen. I forsooth, I haue spoke with her, & we haue
 a nay-word, how to know one another. I come to her
 in white, and cry Mum; she cries Budget, and by that
 we know one another
 
    Shal. That's good too: But what needes either your
 Mum, or her Budget? The white will decipher her well
 enough. It hath strooke ten a' clocke
 
    Page. The night is darke, Light and Spirits will become
 it wel: Heauen prosper our sport. No man means
 euill but the deuill, and we shal know him by his hornes.
 Lets away: follow me.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scena Tertia.
 
 Enter Mist.Page, Mist.Ford, Caius.
 
   Mist.Page. Mr Doctor, my daughter is in green, when
 you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her
 to the Deanerie, and dispatch it quickly: go before into
 the Parke: we two must go together
 
    Cai. I know vat I haue to do, adieu
 
    Mist.Page. Fare you well (Sir:) my husband will not
 reioyce so much at the abuse of Falstaffe, as he will chafe
 at the Doctors marrying my daughter: But 'tis no matter;
 better a little chiding, then a great deale of heartbreake
 
    Mist.Ford. Where is Nan now? and her troop of Fairies?
 and the Welch-deuill Herne?
   Mist.Page. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Hernes
 Oake, with obscur'd Lights; which at the very instant
 of Falstaffes and our meeting, they will at once display to
 the night
 
    Mist.Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him
 
    Mist.Page. If he be not amaz'd he will be mock'd: If
 he be amaz'd, he will euery way be mock'd
 
    Mist.Ford. Wee'll betray him finely
 
    Mist.Page. Against such Lewdsters, and their lechery,
 Those that betray them, do no treachery
 
    Mist.Ford. The houre drawes-on: to the Oake, to the
 Oake.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 
 Scena Quarta.
 
 Enter Euans and Fairies.
 
   Euans. Trib, trib Fairies: Come, and remember your
 parts: be pold (I pray you) follow me into the pit, and
 when I giue the watch-'ords, do as I pid you: Come,
 come, trib, trib.
 
 Exeunt.
 
 Scena Quinta.
 
 Enter Falstaffe, Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, Euans, Anne Page,
 Fairies,
 Page, Ford, Quickly, Slender, Fenton, Caius, Pistoll.
 
   Fal. The Windsor-bell hath stroke twelue: the Minute
 drawes-on: Now the hot-bloodied-Gods assist me:
 Remember Ioue, thou was't a Bull for thy Europa, Loue
 set on thy hornes. O powerfull Loue, that in some respects
 makes a Beast a Man: in som other, a Man a beast.
 You were also (Iupiter) a Swan, for the loue of Leda: O
 omnipotent Loue, how nere the God drew to the complexion
 of a Goose: a fault done first in the forme of a
 beast, (O Ioue, a beastly fault:) and then another fault,
 in the semblance of a Fowle, thinke on't (Ioue) a fowle-fault.
 When Gods haue hot backes, what shall poore
 men do? For me, I am heere a Windsor Stagge, and the
 fattest (I thinke) i'th Forrest. Send me a coole rut-time
 (Ioue) or who can blame me to pisse my Tallow? Who
 comes heere? my Doe?
   M.Ford. Sir Iohn? Art thou there (my Deere?)
 My male-Deere?
   Fal. My Doe, with the blacke Scut? Let the skie
 raine Potatoes: let it thunder, to the tune of Greenesleeues,
 haile-kissing Comfits, and snow Eringoes: Let
 there come a tempest of prouocation, I will shelter mee
 heere
 
    M.Ford. Mistris Page is come with me (sweet hart.)
   Fal. Diuide me like a brib'd-Bucke, each a Haunch:
 I will keepe my sides to my selfe, my shoulders for the
 fellow of this walke; and my hornes I bequeath your
 husbands. Am I a Woodman, ha? Speake I like Herne
 the Hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience,
 he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome
 
    M.Page. Alas, what noise?
   M.Ford. Heauen forgiue our sinnes
 
    Fal. What should this be?
   M.Ford. M.Page. Away, away
 
    Fal. I thinke the diuell wil not haue me damn'd,
 Least the oyle that's in me should set hell on fire;
 He would neuer else crosse me thus.
 
 Enter Fairies.
 
   Qui. Fairies blacke, gray, greene, and white,
 You Moone-shine reuellers, and shades of night.
 You Orphan heires of fixed destiny,
 Attend your office, and your quality.
 Crier Hob-goblyn, make the Fairy Oyes
 
    Pist. Elues, list your names: Silence you aiery toyes.
 Cricket, to Windsor-chimnies shalt thou leape;
 Where fires thou find'st vnrak'd, and hearths vnswept,
 There pinch the Maids as blew as Bill-berry,
 Our radiant Queene, hates Sluts, and Sluttery
 
    Fal. They are Fairies, he that speaks to them shall die,
 Ile winke, and couch: No man their workes must eie
 
    Eu. Wher's Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid
 That ere she sleepe has thrice her prayers said,
 Raise vp the Organs of her fantasie,
 Sleepe she as sound as carelesse infancie,
 But those as sleepe, and thinke not on their sins,
 Pinch them armes, legs, backes, shoulders, sides, & shins
 
    Qu. About, about:
 Search Windsor Castle (Elues) within, and out.
 Strew good lucke (Ouphes) on euery sacred roome,
 That it may stand till the perpetuall doome,
 In state as wholsome, as in state 'tis fit,
 Worthy the Owner, and the Owner it.
 The seuerall Chaires of Order, looke you scowre
 With iuyce of Balme; and euery precious flowre,
 Each faire Instalment, Coate, and seu'rall Crest,
 With loyall Blazon, euermore be blest.
 And Nightly-meadow-Fairies, looke you sing
 Like to the Garters-Compasse, in a ring
 Th' expressure that it beares: Greene let it be,
 More fertile-fresh then all the Field to see:
 And, Hony Soit Qui Maly-Pence, write
 In Emrold-tuffes, Flowres purple, blew, and white,
 Like Saphire-pearle, and rich embroiderie,
 Buckled below faire Knight-hoods bending knee;
 Fairies vse Flowres for their characterie.
 Away, disperse: But till 'tis one a clocke,
 Our Dance of Custome, round about the Oke
 Of Herne the Hunter, let vs not forget
 
    Euan. Pray you lock hand in hand: your selues in order set:
 And twenty glow-wormes shall our Lanthornes bee
 To guide our Measure round about the Tree.
 But stay, I smell a man of middle earth
 
    Fal. Heauens defend me from that Welsh Fairy,
 Least he transforme me to a peece of Cheese
 
    Pist. Vilde worme, thou wast ore-look'd euen in thy
 birth
 
    Qu. With Triall-fire touch me his finger end:
 If he be chaste, the flame will backe descend
 And turne him to no paine: but if he start,
 It is the flesh of a corrupted hart
 
    Pist. A triall, come
 
    Eua. Come: will this wood take fire?
   Fal. Oh, oh, oh
 
    Qui. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire.
 About him (Fairies) sing a scornfull rime,
 And as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
 
 The Song.
 
 Fie on sinnefull phantasie: Fie on Lust, and Luxurie:
 Lust is but a bloudy fire, kindled with vnchaste desire,
 Fed in heart whose flames aspire,
 As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
 Pinch him (Fairies) mutually: Pinch him for his villanie.
 Pinch him, and burne him, and turne him about,
 Till Candles, & Star-light, & Moone-shine be out
 
    Page. Nay do not flye, I thinke we haue watcht you
 now: Will none but Herne the Hunter serue your
 turne?
   M.Page. I pray you come, hold vp the iest no higher.
 Now (good Sir Iohn) how like you Windsor wiues?
 See you these husband? Do not these faire yoakes
 Become the Forrest better then the Towne?
   Ford. Now Sir, whose a Cuckold now?
 Mr Broome, Falstaffes a Knaue, a Cuckoldly knaue,
 Heere are his hornes Master Broome:
 And Master Broome, he hath enioyed nothing of Fords,
 but his Buck-basket, his cudgell, and twenty pounds of
 money, which must be paid to Mr Broome, his horses are
 arrested for it, Mr Broome
 
    M.Ford. Sir Iohn, we haue had ill lucke: wee could
 neuer meete: I will neuer take you for my Loue againe,
 but I will alwayes count you my Deere
 
    Fal. I do begin to perceiue that I am made an Asse
 
    Ford. I, and an Oxe too: both the proofes are extant
 
    Fal. And these are not Fairies:
 I was three or foure times in the thought they were not
 Fairies, and yet the guiltinesse of my minde, the sodaine
 surprize of my powers, droue the grossenesse of the foppery
 into a receiu'd beleefe, in despight of the teeth of
 all rime and reason, that they were Fairies. See now
 how wit may be made a Iacke-a-Lent, when 'tis vpon ill
 imployment
 
    Euans. Sir Iohn Falstaffe, serue Got, and leaue your
 desires, and Fairies will not pinse you
 
    Ford. Well said Fairy Hugh
 
    Euans. And leaue you your iealouzies too, I pray
 you
 
    Ford. I will neuer mistrust my wife againe, till thou
 art able to woo her in good English
 
    Fal. Haue I laid my braine in the Sun, and dri'de it,
 that it wants matter to preuent so grosse ore-reaching as
 this? Am I ridden with a Welch Goate too? Shal I haue
 a Coxcombe of Frize? Tis time I were choak'd with a
 peece of toasted Cheese
 
    Eu. Seese is not good to giue putter; your belly is al
 putter
 
    Fal. Seese, and Putter? Haue I liu'd to stand at the
 taunt of one that makes Fritters of English? This is enough
 to be the decay of lust and late-walking through
 the Realme
 
    Mist.Page. Why Sir Iohn, do you thinke though wee
 would haue thrust vertue out of our hearts by the head
 and shoulders, and haue giuen our selues without scruple
 to hell, that euer the deuill could haue made you our
 delight?
   Ford. What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?
   Mist.Page. A puft man?
   Page. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intollerable entrailes?
   Ford. And one that is as slanderous as Sathan?
   Page. And as poore as Iob?
   Ford. And as wicked as his wife?
   Euan. And giuen to Fornications, and to Tauernes,
 and Sacke, and Wine, and Metheglins, and to drinkings
 and swearings, and starings? Pribles and prables?
   Fal. Well, I am your Theame: you haue the start of
 me, I am deiected: I am not able to answer the Welch
 Flannell, Ignorance it selfe is a plummet ore me, vse me
 as you will
 
    Ford. Marry Sir, wee'l bring you to Windsor to one
 Mr Broome, that you haue cozon'd of money, to whom
 you should haue bin a Pander: ouer and aboue that you
 haue suffer'd, I thinke, to repay that money will be a biting
 affliction
 
    Page. Yet be cheerefull Knight: thou shalt eat a posset
 to night at my house, wher I will desire thee to laugh
 at my wife, that now laughes at thee: Tell her Mr Slender
 hath married her daughter
 
    Mist.Page. Doctors doubt that;
 If Anne Page be my daughter, she is (by this) Doctour
 Caius wife
 
    Slen. Whoa hoe, hoe, Father Page
 
    Page. Sonne? How now? How now Sonne,
 Haue you dispatch'd?
   Slen. Dispatch'd? Ile make the best in Glostershire
 know on't: would I were hang'd la, else
 
    Page. Of what sonne?
   Slen. I came yonder at Eaton to marry Mistris Anne
 Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not bene
 i'th Church, I would haue swing'd him, or hee should
 haue swing'd me. If I did not thinke it had beene Anne
 Page, would I might neuer stirre, and 'tis a Post-masters
 Boy
 
    Page. Vpon my life then, you tooke the wrong
 
    Slen. What neede you tell me that? I think so, when
 I tooke a Boy for a Girle: If I had bene married to him,
 (for all he was in womans apparrell) I would not haue
 had him
 
    Page. Why this is your owne folly,
 Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter,
 By her garments?
   Slen. I went to her in greene, and cried Mum, and
 she cride budget, as Anne and I had appointed, and yet
 it was not Anne, but a Post-masters boy
 
    Mist.Page. Good George be not angry, I knew of
 your purpose: turn'd my daughter into white, and indeede
 she is now with the Doctor at the Deanrie, and
 there married
 
    Cai. Ver is Mistris Page: by gar I am cozoned, I ha
 married oon Garsoon, a boy; oon pesant, by gar. A boy,
 it is not An Page, by gar, I am cozened
 
    M.Page. Why? did you take her in white?
   Cai. I bee gar, and 'tis a boy: be gar, Ile raise all
 Windsor
 
    Ford. This is strange: Who hath got the right Anne?
   Page. My heart misgiues me, here comes Mr Fenton.
 How now Mr Fenton?
   Anne. Pardon good father, good my mother pardon
   Page. Now Mistris:
 How chance you went not with Mr Slender?
   M.Page. Why went you not with Mr Doctor, maid?
   Fen. You do amaze her: heare the truth of it,
 You would haue married her most shamefully,
 Where there was no proportion held in loue:
 The truth is, she and I (long since contracted)
 Are now so sure that nothing can dissolue vs:
 Th' offence is holy, that she hath committed,
 And this deceit looses the name of craft,
 Of disobedience, or vnduteous title,
 Since therein she doth euitate and shun
 A thousand irreligious cursed houres
 Which forced marriage would haue brought vpon her
 
    Ford. Stand not amaz'd, here is no remedie:
 In Loue, the heauens themselues do guide the state,
 Money buyes Lands, and wiues are sold by fate
 
    Fal. I am glad, though you haue tane a special stand
 to strike at me, that your Arrow hath glanc'd
 
    Page. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heauen giue thee
 ioy, what cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd
 
    Fal. When night-dogges run, all sorts of Deere are
 chac'd
 
    Mist.Page. Well, I will muse no further: Mr Fenton,
 Heauen giue you many, many merry dayes:
 Good husband, let vs euery one go home,
 And laugh this sport ore by a Countrie fire,
 Sir Iohn and all
 
    Ford. Let it be so (Sir Iohn:)
 To Master Broome, you yet shall hold your word,
 For he, to night, shall lye with Mistris Ford:
 
 Exeunt.
 
 FINIS. THE Merry Wiues of Windsor.
 
 

Next: Measvre, For Measure