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                                 Weasel Wicca:  a Toon Trad 
                 by fara Shimbo, Diane Darling and the European Land Otters
                           (Green Egg, Issue 95, Yule '91, p. 21.)
                       The Great Mothers of this tradition are Galanthus, who was
           turned into a  weasel for lying  to Juno; and  Eris, both Goddess  and
           Ferret incarnate, who are IN CHARGE.
                  This is the Holy Sacred Oath of the Weasel Tradition:
                         "I don'tbelieve anythingunless Iwant to.Mymind issubject
           to change within reason and without notification at any time. We will
           always have Paris. (But not paris of sox.) I can  do without my socks.
           Other than that there are absolutely no absolutes."
                 Sacred Objects of the Weasel tradition include:
                   * A Floppy Witch Hat (double sided, single density)
                   * The nearest operational refrigirator
                   * Dirty Socks
                   * Tubes made of cardboard or plastic
                   * Rubber erasers and squeaky toys
                   * Loud plastic bag and ping pong balls
                   * The Golden Apple of Eris
                   * Silk Top hat.
                     In order tobe initiated into the WeaselTradition, a new ber-
           serker must:
                   * Co-habit with a Ferret; at least one.
           ous manner- stopping short of Genuine Theft. Use your imagination.
                           *Sacrifice aSock toGalanthus. Itmust bea goodSock, one
           you wouldn't otherwise throw away, and you must have the other one in
           your possession.
                           * Bake some holyFhood, with Weasel Help,which includes
           raisins and chocolate chips.
                           *Write aritual containingat leastthree thingswhich are
           obviously or  blatantly lifted,  word for  word, from somewhere  else.
           Anywhere else.
                   * Let a weasel lick your lips while you sing:
                         The Weasel Help Song:
                             Everyone needs Weasel help,
                               Weasel Help, Weasel Help
                             Everyone needs Weasel help,
                               to get them through the day!
                             I don't need no Weasel Help,
                               Weasel Help, Weasel Help,
                             I don't need no Weasel Help,
                               no matter what you say!
                     The Sacred Holidays of the Weasel tradition are any holidays
           which have even the slightest thing to do with Fhood.
                                   A Weasel Wiccan Witual 
                     Participants infloppy witch hatsenter, bearing theHoly Fhood
           and Drinkh.  Arrange tastefuly around altar area.  Prominent should be
           the Golden Apple of Eris, which is set upon the altar by itself.
                Call Watchtowers, lighting quarter candles at each. Suggestion
                     EAST,being Air,signifies mediaand masscommunications. Invite
           the Marx brothers, Firesign Theatre,  Douglas Adams, and Robert  Anton
           Wilson, and,  of course, the Illuminati, as  representatives of Chaos.
           (Squeeze squeaky toys)
                     SOUTH, for Fire, signifies fidelityto ideals. I suggest John
           Lennon and our witch ancestors, whose bravery in defense of the Sacred
           Right To Be Strange led to the ultimate sacrifice. May we be as brave,
           but luckier. (Hide the Matches.)
                     WEST,for Water, signifies herethe Waters ofLife, ie: Bhooze.
           Invite  W.C. Fields along with Dionysius and Osiris (inventors of wine
           and beer, respectively.) (Slug some eggnog.)
                     NORTH, for Earth, signifies  the Ultimate Mystery: Life, the
           Universe and Everything.  Toast the  Mystery itself and  invite it  to
           relax, take off its cloak and join us for awhile. (Hide a cookie.)
                     And to provide a fifth point: SKY, for Eris, Our Mother,Lady
           Luck Herself, Lady of Chaos and Dealer of the Inside Straight. Hold up
           the  Golden Apple,  hail Her  enthusiastically and  invite Her  to the
                     Close theCircle, whichis,of course,semi-permiable toweasel--
                     Lightaltarcandle; assume*ahem* seriousdemeanor. Whoeveris to
           read, don silk hat and drape a sock for a priest's vestement. Proceed:
                "For unto us is born a Saviour, who is Coyote, Pan, loki, Raven,
           Dionysius,  and Robin Hood; to save us  all from Santa's power when we
           have come to play, o  tiding of chocolate and toys. And Io, neither is
           his Mother  a Virgin, for  She believeth in  a good time. And  when He
           came forth, She wrapped him in a National Enquirer and  cradled him in
           her top  hat, which holdeth  all the stars of  all the skies  plus 500
           foolproof card tricks; and the Wise came to Marvel (and to DC) because
           indeed and forsooth, they knew trouble when they beheld it."
                 And Eris, the Great and Terrible, said to her son:
                 "Kid, this is a special occasion; how should we celebrate?"
                       And the TinyOne spoke, surprising all butthe Mother of the
                       "let's have lots of Fhood, and create the most chaotic and
           demented animal  of all to play with. And  since I have a feeling that
           this party will be repeated many, many times, let's make  that a rule:
           anyone celebrating My birthday should do the same. For I am the Glitch
           and  the Song and the Gambler's Luck, and I love Surprises--which will
           never be lacking with Them around. Let them do this in honor of Me."
                 And Eris was pleased and created The Weasel (hold one up).
                       "This is the SacredWeasel, beloved little monster, honored
           pest, dearest of Holy Terrors and Agent of Entropy Everywhere. May  it
           always remind us that Eris and the Kid love Surprises."
                       (Holdup plateof cookies:)"This isthe HolyFhood; weshare it
           in  Their names, and with the wish that  we should always keep Life as
           interesting and strange as possible."
                       (Hold upHoly Bhooze:)"This isthe HolySpikedEggnog; weshare
           in with the  understanding that reality can always use  a little bend-
                       Share all,generalhailing,toasts,silliness,woozlesnoozling,
           tricks and demonstration of weasel  arranging. Guard honored guests of
           all species from  overindulging in  and/or diving  into eggnog.  Songs
           excellent idea.
                Open circle whenever you feel like it.
           Fara Shimbo, an  ethologist living outside Boulder,  Colorado with her
           husband  Robert, ferret,  Ruby,  Siamese cat,  mong, and  Thoroughbred
           Hunter, Oficial Dude (AKA Chewie). She is main honcho of _Ferret unity
           and Registration Organization (FURO)_, a weasle warrior of reknown and
           author of "The Ferret Book" (see review GE83) and, with Bill Phillips,
           of  _Ferrets  and the  New Inquisition_,  published by  the California
           Domestic Ferret  Association (Box 1861,  healdsburg, CA 95448.  She is
           editor-in-chief of _The Weasle Help Monthly_, (wonderful!) newsmagazi-
           ne of FURO, available  by joining FURO, PO  Box 18193, greensboro,  NC

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