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                                Weasel Wicca:  a Toon Trad 
                by fara Shimbo, Diane Darling and the European Land Otters
                          (Green Egg, Issue 95, Yule '91, p. 21.)

                      The Great Mothers of this tradition are Galanthus, who was
          turned into a  weasel for lying  to Juno; and  Eris, both Goddess  and
          Ferret incarnate, who are IN CHARGE.

                 This is the Holy Sacred Oath of the Weasel Tradition:
                        "I don'tbelieve anythingunless Iwant to.Mymind issubject
          to change within reason and without notification at any time. We will
          always have Paris. (But not paris of sox.) I can  do without my socks.
          Other than that there are absolutely no absolutes."

                Sacred Objects of the Weasel tradition include:
                  * A Floppy Witch Hat (double sided, single density)
                  * The nearest operational refrigirator
                  * Dirty Socks
                  * Tubes made of cardboard or plastic
                  * Rubber erasers and squeaky toys
                  * Loud plastic bag and ping pong balls
                  * The Golden Apple of Eris
                  * Silk Top hat.

                    In order tobe initiated into the WeaselTradition, a new ber-
          serker must:
                  * Co-habit with a Ferret; at least one.
          ous manner- stopping short of Genuine Theft. Use your imagination.
                          *Sacrifice aSock toGalanthus. Itmust bea goodSock, one
          you wouldn't otherwise throw away, and you must have the other one in
          your possession.
                          * Bake some holyFhood, with Weasel Help,which includes
          raisins and chocolate chips.
                          *Write aritual containingat leastthree thingswhich are
          obviously or  blatantly lifted,  word for  word, from somewhere  else.
          Anywhere else.
                  * Let a weasel lick your lips while you sing:

                        The Weasel Help Song:
                            Everyone needs Weasel help,
                              Weasel Help, Weasel Help
                            Everyone needs Weasel help,
                              to get them through the day!
                            I don't need no Weasel Help,
                              Weasel Help, Weasel Help,
                            I don't need no Weasel Help,
                              no matter what you say!

                    The Sacred Holidays of the Weasel tradition are any holidays
          which have even the slightest thing to do with Fhood.



                                  A Weasel Wiccan Witual 

                    Participants infloppy witch hatsenter, bearing theHoly Fhood
          and Drinkh.  Arrange tastefuly around altar area.  Prominent should be
          the Golden Apple of Eris, which is set upon the altar by itself.

               Call Watchtowers, lighting quarter candles at each. Suggestion
                    EAST,being Air,signifies mediaand masscommunications. Invite
          the Marx brothers, Firesign Theatre,  Douglas Adams, and Robert  Anton
          Wilson, and,  of course, the Illuminati, as  representatives of Chaos.
          (Squeeze squeaky toys)
                    SOUTH, for Fire, signifies fidelityto ideals. I suggest John
          Lennon and our witch ancestors, whose bravery in defense of the Sacred
          Right To Be Strange led to the ultimate sacrifice. May we be as brave,
          but luckier. (Hide the Matches.)
                    WEST,for Water, signifies herethe Waters ofLife, ie: Bhooze.
          Invite  W.C. Fields along with Dionysius and Osiris (inventors of wine
          and beer, respectively.) (Slug some eggnog.)
                    NORTH, for Earth, signifies  the Ultimate Mystery: Life, the
          Universe and Everything.  Toast the  Mystery itself and  invite it  to
          relax, take off its cloak and join us for awhile. (Hide a cookie.)

                    And to provide a fifth point: SKY, for Eris, Our Mother,Lady
          Luck Herself, Lady of Chaos and Dealer of the Inside Straight. Hold up
          the  Golden Apple,  hail Her  enthusiastically and  invite Her  to the

                    Close theCircle, whichis,of course,semi-permiable toweasel--

                    Lightaltarcandle; assume*ahem* seriousdemeanor. Whoeveris to
          read, don silk hat and drape a sock for a priest's vestement. Proceed:
               "For unto us is born a Saviour, who is Coyote, Pan, loki, Raven,
          Dionysius,  and Robin Hood; to save us  all from Santa's power when we
          have come to play, o  tiding of chocolate and toys. And Io, neither is
          his Mother  a Virgin, for  She believeth in  a good time. And  when He
          came forth, She wrapped him in a National Enquirer and  cradled him in
          her top  hat, which holdeth  all the stars of  all the skies  plus 500
          foolproof card tricks; and the Wise came to Marvel (and to DC) because
          indeed and forsooth, they knew trouble when they beheld it."

                And Eris, the Great and Terrible, said to her son:
                "Kid, this is a special occasion; how should we celebrate?"

                      And the TinyOne spoke, surprising all butthe Mother of the
                      "let's have lots of Fhood, and create the most chaotic and
          demented animal  of all to play with. And  since I have a feeling that
          this party will be repeated many, many times, let's make  that a rule:
          anyone celebrating My birthday should do the same. For I am the Glitch
          and  the Song and the Gambler's Luck, and I love Surprises--which will
          never be lacking with Them around. Let them do this in honor of Me."


                And Eris was pleased and created The Weasel (hold one up).
                      "This is the SacredWeasel, beloved little monster, honored
          pest, dearest of Holy Terrors and Agent of Entropy Everywhere. May  it
          always remind us that Eris and the Kid love Surprises."

                      (Holdup plateof cookies:)"This isthe HolyFhood; weshare it
          in  Their names, and with the wish that  we should always keep Life as
          interesting and strange as possible."

                      (Hold upHoly Bhooze:)"This isthe HolySpikedEggnog; weshare
          in with the  understanding that reality can always use  a little bend-
                      Share all,generalhailing,toasts,silliness,woozlesnoozling,
          tricks and demonstration of weasel  arranging. Guard honored guests of
          all species from  overindulging in  and/or diving  into eggnog.  Songs
          excellent idea.
               Open circle whenever you feel like it.
          Fara Shimbo, an  ethologist living outside Boulder,  Colorado with her
          husband  Robert, ferret,  Ruby,  Siamese cat,  mong, and  Thoroughbred
          Hunter, Oficial Dude (AKA Chewie). She is main honcho of _Ferret unity
          and Registration Organization (FURO)_, a weasle warrior of reknown and
          author of "The Ferret Book" (see review GE83) and, with Bill Phillips,
          of  _Ferrets  and the  New Inquisition_,  published by  the California
          Domestic Ferret  Association (Box 1861,  healdsburg, CA 95448.  She is
          editor-in-chief of _The Weasle Help Monthly_, (wonderful!) newsmagazi-
          ne of FURO, available  by joining FURO, PO  Box 18193, greensboro,  NC


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