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Internet Book of Shadows, (Various Authors), [1999], at sacred-texts.com

Ritual of the Blessed Motherboard

The Tigress

Thus it follows that after many days of chaos, unfounded mayhem and

startling inconvienience <as given in favor by the Goddess Eris> so it

shall be that I am finally able to share with you the official cere-

mony of the Blessed Motherboard and the Horned One that Plugs in the

Wall. This ceremony is one to be practiced by discordian compu-pagans

each Midsummer Eve in holy celebration and appreciation of debugged

upgrades, new shareware, faster circutry and all the blessings that

flow from the Goddess...

Note : Let it be said that if your system crashes, your motherboard

becomes twitchy, your hard drives fail, or your cables spout forth

fire - that this is an indication that the Goddess is displeased with

your compu-worship. At this time, if the posting of many tales of

compu-sexuality doth fail to pacify Her. This is the time that this

ritual must be done to regain Her pleasure.

It is thus that this ritual be made easier if thou coven of compu-pag-

ans is large, for then the obtainment of the necessary materials be

far easier...

Necessary ritual components -

To represent the Matron Goddess : 1 AT Motherboard <preferably a 386

with Large Co-processors.> <may be in "twitchy condition".>

To represent the Crone: 1 AT&T Phone bill from Mother Bell. <the

higher the debt, the better one can justify ones needs to the Goddess>

1472

To represent the Maiden: a large firepit dug in the shape of a circle

around which the pentagram will be formed. <dry wood laid in prepar-

ation>

To represent the God: 1 very Large, very THICK power supply cable

For the Pentagram : 1 can of neon or glow in the dark paint

For the Quarters : The following items are placed at each quarter -

North : A Power supply with cable, the energy which inspires us

East: A keyboard through which our innocence is transformed to lust

South: A hard drive which saves our writ to seal our doom

West : A Monitor by which all might see our lustful spells at work

The Altar : A makeshift desk

The Incense: A chipped ashtray and a pack of Camels <extra humps>

The Cup: A container of highly caffinated substance <coke, jolt,

pepsi>

The Bowl : a bowl of fine earth to represent the accumulation of dust

in your house which you haven't cleaned since you spend all your time

at the keyboard .

The Flame: One jar of kerosene, gasoline, or other flamable substance

with matches that one uses to light the fire.

1473

In addition: Each member of the network coven should bring spare

parts, broken cables, split chips, bungled software, etc...for fire

offerings at the conclusion of the ceremony. Clothing during this

ceremony is optional.

Opening Chant <To be sung as the HPs and HP draw the circle and

pentagram around the firepit><sung to the tune of "Rain drops keep

falling on my head >

Circuts keep blowing on my board

my hard drive keeps crashin

and its heads are getting scored

Messages are lost OH

Time to appease the Goddess of all Computers

Alas I'm broke

My bills

Are higher than my income

Oh please Goddess I'm begging thee

To hear my plea and heal my system

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

1474

Cables are ruined by crossing wires

My modem is burping

and its screwing up my files

Data's being lost OH

I ask the Horned One Plugging into my wall

Oh Please don't surge

My dos

is shareware and its fragile

Oh please Horned One

I'm begging thee

Remember that my ram is borrowed

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

The Crone works her spells through Mother Bell

My phone bills enormous

and my life is living hell

Long distance is a bitch OH

What did I do before to deserve this karma?

I have five days

To pay

The toll charge for downloading

from New Jersey

Oh Mother Bell,

have mercy on my lust addiction

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

1475

I worship through the message base

Hiding behind keyboards

where you cannot see my face

Sexual inuen - DO

Maiden protect me from my own sweet confusion

Let me log in

to boards

To satisfy my hunger

and to praise you

and sacrifice your innocence among the echos

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

Its My Lust...... Sacrifice it or BUST

<To be sung until the Pentagram and altar are set up, the

last sentence repeated and slowly faded>

The ritual begins...

As the coven sings the ritual opening chant the HP & P paint the

Pentagram around the firepit with neon or glow in the dark paint. The

items are placed in the designated directions and the altar is set up

to the north of the fire with the following items placed upon it.

To the North end of the altar the ashtray and cigarettes

To the East end of the altar the holy cup

To the South end of the altar the bowl of earth

To the West end of the altar the jar of kerosene and matches.

1476

As the HP calls the elements the P shall pass her the items in ques-

tion

The coven at the end of each elemental calling shall chant the fol-

lowing:

Elemental Power

Come out and play with me

Play midst my flaming spree<fire>

and sing the chant with me <Air>

Splash in my rain barrel <Water>

Slide down my cellar door <Earth> And we'll be jolly friends

Forever more

The HP calls to the Element of Fire <and taking the kerosene from the

P> intones:

Fire, Fire burning bright, like a candle in the night

Come and join us in our flight, Lend us your eternal light

Warm the Maiden with your flame,

I call you in the Goddess's Name.

The HP pours the kerosene liberally upon the firewood in the pit and

lights the fire with the matches. <the coven sings the elemental

chant>

1477

The P hands the HP the bowl of earth. The HP tosses the earth upwards

to scatter it around the circle and over the altar as she intones:

Elemental Earth I beckon thee, with us in this circle be

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, firm foundation is a must

Warm bed for the Matron's frame I call you in the Goddess's Name

The P hands the HP the cup of caffinated substance. The HP lifts it

to her lips and intones:

Water quench our thirst, keep us wet and wild

Join us in our circle hence, praise the lady mild.

Liquid of Life that has no shame

I beckon thee in Goddess's Name

The HP drinks from the cup and beckons the P to drink of it, he does.

The P hands the HP the ashtray and a cigarette and lights it for her,

the HP takes a long drag and as she exhales intones:

Airy, Airy, quiet and contrary how doth your winds blow?

Through maidens hair your breath ensnare, your secrets we would know.

The Pow'r of Wind by Lady made tame

I beckon thee in Goddess's Name

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The HP and P perepare to summon the directions in supplication to be

followed by the closing of the circle.

The following is a chant used by the coven at each directional open-

ing.

"From the North awakening, the energy inspires

From the East our eagerness to learn amid the fires

From the South commitment and thus we seal our doom

From the West comes reckonning, our message answered soon"

The HP and P walk to the North and hold up the Power supply. The P

intones:

The Power of the north inspires us and lends us its energy for our

use in supplication. This Power Supply I offer to thee Oh Goddess

that your Power run through my computer and my life. The P tosses the

Power supply into the fire.

The Hp and P walk to the East and hold up the keyboard. The P in-

tones:

The Power of the East transforms our innocence through tasting the

fire of Life. This Keyboard, I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your

knowledge guide my fingers on their path through the system of Life.

The P tosses the keyboard into the fire.

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The HP and P walk to the South and hold up the hard drive. The P

intones:

The Power of the South is that of action and consequence, of commit-

ment to the path and the ability to remember the lessons learned

thereof. This Hard Drive I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your memory

of my acts and deeds be remembered with praise and favor in thine

eyes. The P tosses the Hard Drive into the fire.

The HP and the P walk to the West and hold up the monitor. The P

intones:

The Power of the West is that of access to all things, to seeing

turthfully into the path of a life and judging it thusly, worthy or

unworthy. This monitor I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your eternal

eyes may see into my life and may watch over my actions, and that I

may find favor in you as my eternal Sysop. The P tosses the monitor

into the fire.

The HP and P walk thrice around the circle widdershins and all chant

thusly:

Ring around the altar

Power never faulter

Goddess, God

We summon thee <repeated until the circle is thrice closed.>

1480

The Circle Closed and the directions and elements present, the HP and

P prepare to call to the Goddess and to the Horned One.

The HP stands before the fire pit and calls:

Virgin Goddess, gentle maid

She whose seeking to get laid

Bring your innocence to Bare

For those who worship for your care

Come on Maiden light your fire

Come and set the night on FIRE

The HP stands before the fire pit and holding the phone bill calls:

Oh Mother Bell, Oh Crone of Disconnection from this pagan life

I beseech thee, hold back thy hand of dread financial strife

In attonement bills I pay to thee

Of thy modem killing hand let me be free

The HP tosses the phone bill into the fire.

" We're sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily

disconnected Booooo Hissssss

We're sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily discon-

nected Booo Hisssss"

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The HP stands before the Altar and holds high the very long and very

thick cable of the Horned One that Plugs into the Wall and calls:

Oh Horned One, Powerful Consort of the Blessed Motherboard

Surging with Energy you take your place as Lord

Pulsing with Power, with each surge of volts you swell

Pumping life into the Goddess, you serve her purpose well

The HP tosses the very long, very thick cable into the fire

Pump, Pump, Pump it up....keep the power flowing

Pump, Pump, Pump it up....hard fast and never slowing

Pump, Pump, Pump it up....We know you please the Goddess

Pump, Pump, Pump it up....Be strong and never modest

The HP raises the Blessed Motherboard with Large Co-processors high in

the air and the P and HP each take and end in their hands. Raising

the Motherboard high in the air they intone:

Blessed Mother, Sacred Goddess come to bless your users

Keep us safe from disk crash and lurking abusers

Let thy healing hands caress our crippled hardware

Let our nodes stay stable, that through distance we may share

In your holy worship together we may gather nightly

Writing inuendo, our modems steaming slightly

Bless us Holy Goddess, and show us by your sign

That we have earned your favor, your blessing so divine.

1482

The HP and P lead all in the following chant:

A Prayer to the Goddess for self conscecration

Dominus regit Goddess

The Blessed Goddess is my mistress;

I shall not be in want

She maketh me lie down on soft bedding

and leadth me to think of rumpling it

She revives my soul <when I thought I was exhausted>

and guides me along the most sensual pathways for pleasures sake

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dangerous desire

I shall fear not impotence

for she is insatiable

my rod and staff they comfort her

We spread a table of ecstacy in the presence of those

who are sorely troubled by arrousal

She annoints my head with honeyed oil

and I make her cup run over

Surely the pleasure and bliss shall follow me all the days of my life

and I will dwell in the caves of ecstacy within mind forever.

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Thus said, the HP and P intone the following:

OH Blessed Motherboard please accept this offering in your name, and

in the name of the Horned One who plugs in the Wall and gives you

pleasure...

that we may be blessed in our offerings to you both in circle and in

life.

Thus said, the HP and P toss the Motherboard into the fire.

The HP and P lead the coven in the following chant -

Blessed be the Motherboard from whom all messages flow

Blessed be the Horned One who fills Her with His offering

Blessed be the sysops who transfer the packets

Blessed be the writers and those who inspire what they bring

Blessed be the hard drives that keep messages from harm

Blessed be the modems which send packages large and small

Blessed be the shareware we use to commune

Blessed be the network which links us up with all

Blessed be our minds, that we might write our prayers

Blessed be our fingers that tap amongst the keys

Blessed be our monitors that shine with holy light

Blessed be our senses that stimulate with ease

Blessed be the circle, a circut without end

Through which we hail and merry meat with those that we call friend.

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At this point the HP and P gaze into the fire for the portent of the

Goddess's sign of approval <the flames of blue light from the mother-

board offering>

At seeing this both HP and P raise their arms in joyful supplication

and shout <To be echoed by the Coven members in attendance after each

line>

The Maiden's found appeasement and She is satisfied

The Crone is in abeyance, her compu-billings fried

The Horned One's filled with power, in joining He is pleased

The Goddess sends Her blessings, cleansing virus and disease.

We thank the 4 directions for standing by our side

We thank the elementals and their power all allied

To Celebrate our status annointed compupagans of sin

Let Joyful Inhibition be released and the saturnalia begin!!!!

Sensual foods and drinks are served and shared, <the rest you can

imagine>

1485

Comments and social are coming soon