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                              Ritual of the Blessed Motherboard 
                                         The Tigress
           Thus it follows that  after many days of  chaos, unfounded mayhem  and
           startling inconvienience <as given in favor by the Goddess Eris> so it
           shall be that I am  finally able to share with you  the official cere-
           mony of the Blessed Motherboard  and the Horned One that Plugs  in the
           Wall.  This ceremony is one to be practiced by discordian compu-pagans
           each Midsummer Eve  in holy celebration  and appreciation of  debugged
           upgrades,  new shareware, faster  circutry and all  the blessings that
           flow from the Goddess...
           Note :  Let it be said  that if your system  crashes, your motherboard
           becomes twitchy, your  hard drives  fail, or your  cables spout  forth
           fire - that this is an indication that the Goddess  is displeased with
           your  compu-worship. At this  time, if  the posting  of many  tales of
           compu-sexuality doth fail  to pacify Her.  This is  the time that this
           ritual must be done to regain Her pleasure.
           It is thus that this ritual be made easier if thou coven of compu-pag-
           ans is  large, for then the  obtainment of the necessary  materials be
           far easier...
           Necessary ritual components -
           To  represent the Matron Goddess : 1  AT Motherboard <preferably a 386
           with Large Co-processors.>  <may be in "twitchy condition".>
           To  represent the  Crone: 1  AT&T Phone  bill from  Mother Bell.  <the
           higher the debt, the better one can justify ones needs to the Goddess>
           To represent the Maiden: a large firepit  dug in the shape of a circle
           around which the  pentagram will be formed. <dry  wood laid in prepar-
           To represent the God: 1 very Large, very THICK power supply cable
           For the Pentagram : 1 can of neon or glow in the dark paint
           For the Quarters :  The following items are placed at each quarter -
           North : A Power supply with cable, the energy which inspires us
           East: A keyboard through which our innocence is transformed to lust
           South: A hard drive which saves our writ to seal our doom
           West : A Monitor by which all might see our lustful spells at work
           The Altar : A makeshift desk
           The Incense: A chipped ashtray and a pack of Camels <extra humps>
           The  Cup:  A container  of  highly caffinated  substance  <coke, jolt,
           The Bowl : a bowl of fine earth to represent  the accumulation of dust
           in your  house which you haven't cleaned since you spend all your time
           at the keyboard .
           The  Flame: One jar of kerosene, gasoline, or other flamable substance
           with matches that one uses to light the fire.
           In  addition:  Each member  of the  network  coven should  bring spare
           parts, broken  cables, split  chips, bungled software,  etc...for fire
           offerings  at the  conclusion of  the ceremony.  Clothing during  this
           ceremony is optional.
           Opening  Chant <To  be sung  as the  HPs and  HP draw  the  circle and
           pentagram around the  firepit><sung to  the tune of  "Rain drops  keep
           falling on my head >
           Circuts keep blowing on my board
           my hard drive keeps crashin
           and its heads are getting scored
           Messages are lost OH
           Time to appease the Goddess of all Computers
           Alas I'm broke
           My bills
           Are higher than my income
           Oh please Goddess I'm begging thee
           To hear my plea and heal my system
           ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum
           Cables are ruined by crossing wires
           My modem is burping
           and its screwing up my files
           Data's being lost OH
           I ask the Horned One Plugging into my wall
           Oh Please don't surge
           My dos
           is shareware and its fragile
           Oh please Horned One
           I'm begging thee
           Remember that my ram is borrowed
           ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum
           The Crone works her spells through Mother Bell
           My phone bills enormous
           and my life is living hell
           Long distance is a bitch OH
           What did I do before to deserve this karma?
           I have five days
           To pay
           The toll charge for downloading
           from New Jersey
           Oh Mother Bell,
           have mercy on my lust addiction
           ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum
           I worship through the message base
           Hiding behind keyboards
           where you cannot see my face
           Sexual inuen - DO
           Maiden protect me from my own sweet confusion
           Let me log in
           to boards
           To satisfy my hunger
           and to praise you
           and sacrifice your innocence among the echos
           ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum
           Its My Lust......  Sacrifice it or BUST
           <To be sung until the Pentagram and altar are set up, the
           last sentence repeated and slowly faded>
                                    The ritual begins...
           As  the coven  sings the  ritual opening  chant the HP  & P  paint the
           Pentagram around the firepit with neon or glow in the dark paint.  The
           items are placed in the designated  directions and the altar is set up
           to the north of the fire with the following items placed upon it.
           To the North end of the altar the ashtray and cigarettes
           To the East end of the altar the holy cup
           To the South end of the altar the bowl of earth
           To the West end of the altar the jar of kerosene and matches.
           As the HP  calls the elements the P shall pass  her the items in ques-
           The coven  at the end of  each elemental calling shall  chant the fol-
           Elemental Power
           Come out and play with me
           Play midst my flaming spree<fire>
           and sing the chant with me <Air>
           Splash in my rain barrel <Water>
           Slide down my cellar door <Earth>  And we'll be jolly friends
           Forever more
           The HP calls to  the Element of Fire <and taking the kerosene from the
           P> intones:
           Fire, Fire burning bright, like a candle in the night
           Come and join us in our flight, Lend us your eternal light
           Warm the Maiden with your flame,
           I call you in the Goddess's Name. 
           The HP pours  the kerosene liberally upon the firewood  in the pit and
           lights  the  fire with  the matches.  <the  coven sings  the elemental
           The P hands the HP the bowl of earth.  The HP tosses the earth upwards
           to scatter it around the circle and over the altar as she intones:
           Elemental Earth I beckon thee, with us in this circle be
           Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, firm foundation is a must
           Warm bed for the Matron's frame  I call you in the Goddess's Name
           <the coven sings the elemental chant>
           The P hands the HP the cup of caffinated  substance.   The HP lifts it
           to her lips and intones:
           Water quench our thirst, keep us wet and wild
           Join us in our circle hence, praise the lady mild.
           Liquid of Life that has no shame
           I beckon thee in Goddess's Name
           The HP drinks from the cup and beckons the P to drink of it,  he does.
           <the coven sings the elemental chant>
           The P hands the HP  the ashtray and a cigarette and lights it for her,
           the HP takes a long drag and as she exhales intones:
           Airy, Airy, quiet and contrary how doth your winds blow?
           Through maidens hair your breath ensnare, your secrets we would know.
           The Pow'r of Wind by Lady made tame
           I beckon thee in Goddess's Name
           <the HP smokes and exhales as the coven sings the elemental chant>
           The HP and  P perepare to summon the directions  in supplication to be
           followed by the closing of the circle.
           The following is  a chant used by the coven  at each directional open-
           "From the North awakening, the energy inspires
            From the East our eagerness to learn amid the fires
            From the South commitment and thus we seal our doom
            From the West comes reckonning, our message answered soon" 
           The HP and P walk to  the North and hold up  the Power supply.  The  P
             The Power of the  north inspires us and lends us its  energy for our
           use in supplication.   This Power  Supply I offer  to thee Oh  Goddess
           that your Power run through my computer and my life.  The P tosses the
           Power supply into the fire. 
           <the coven sings the directional chant>
           The Hp  and P walk to  the East and hold  up the keyboard.   The P in-
           The Power of  the East  transforms our innocence  through tasting  the
           fire  of Life.   This  Keyboard, I offer to thee  Oh Goddess that your
           knowledge guide my fingers on  their path through the system of  Life.
           The P tosses the keyboard into the fire. 
           <the coven sings the directional chant>
           The HP and P  walk to the  South and hold  up the hard  drive.  The  P
           The Power of  the South is that of action  and consequence, of commit-
           ment  to the   path and  the ability  to remember  the lessons learned
           thereof. This Hard Drive I  offer to thee Oh Goddess that  your memory
           of my  acts and  deeds be  remembered with praise  and favor  in thine
           eyes. The P tosses the Hard Drive into the fire.
           <the coven sings the directional chant>
           The HP and the  P walk to  the West and  hold up the  monitor.  The  P
           The Power  of the  West is  that of  access to  all things,  to seeing
           turthfully into  the path of a  life and judging it  thusly, worthy or
           unworthy.  This  monitor I offer to thee Oh  Goddess that your eternal
           eyes may see into my  life  and may watch over my actions,  and that I
           may find favor in you  as my eternal Sysop.  The P  tosses the monitor
           into the fire.
           <the coven sings the directional chant> 
           The HP and  P walk thrice around the circle  widdershins and all chant
           Ring around the altar
           Power never faulter
           Goddess, God
           We summon thee       <repeated until the circle is thrice closed.>
           The Circle Closed and the directions and  elements present, the HP and
           P prepare to call to the Goddess and to the Horned One.
           The HP stands before the fire pit and calls:
           Virgin Goddess, gentle maid
           She whose seeking to get laid
           Bring your innocence to Bare
           For those who worship for your care
           <the P leads the coven in the Maiden chant>
           Come on Maiden light your fire
           Come on Maiden light your fire
           Come and set the night on FIRE
           The HP stands before the fire pit and holding the phone bill calls:
           Oh Mother Bell, Oh Crone of Disconnection from this pagan life
           I beseech thee, hold back thy hand of dread financial strife
           In attonement bills I pay to thee
           Of thy modem killing hand let me be free
           The HP tosses the phone bill into the fire.
           <The P leads the coven in the Crone Song>
           "  We're sorry,  the  number you  have  reached has  been  temporarily
           disconnected Booooo Hissssss
           We're  sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily discon-
           nected Booo Hisssss"
           The HP stands before  the Altar and holds high the  very long and very
           thick cable of the Horned One that Plugs into the Wall and calls:
           Oh Horned One, Powerful Consort of the Blessed Motherboard
           Surging with Energy you take your place as Lord
           Pulsing with Power, with each surge of volts you swell
           Pumping life into the Goddess, you serve her purpose well
           The HP tosses the very long, very thick cable into the fire
           <the P leads the coven in the Horned One chant>
           Pump, Pump, Pump it up....keep the power flowing
           Pump, Pump, Pump it up....hard fast and never slowing
           Pump, Pump, Pump it up....We know you please the Goddess
           Pump, Pump, Pump it up....Be strong and never modest
           The HP raises the Blessed Motherboard with Large Co-processors high in
           the air and the  P and HP each take  and end in their hands.   Raising
           the Motherboard high in the air they intone:
           Blessed Mother, Sacred Goddess come to bless your users
           Keep us safe from disk crash and lurking abusers
           Let thy healing hands caress our crippled hardware
           Let our nodes stay stable, that through distance we may share
           In your holy worship together we may gather nightly
           Writing inuendo, our modems steaming slightly
           Bless us Holy Goddess, and show us by your sign
           That we have earned your favor, your blessing so divine.
           The HP and P lead all in the following chant:
            A Prayer to the Goddess for self conscecration
            Dominus regit Goddess
            The Blessed Goddess is my mistress;
            I shall not be in want
            She maketh me lie down on soft bedding
            and leadth me to think of rumpling it
            She revives my soul <when I thought I was exhausted>
            and guides me along the most sensual pathways for pleasures sake
            Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dangerous desire
            I shall fear not impotence
            for she is insatiable
            my rod and staff they comfort her
            We spread a table of ecstacy in the presence of those
            who are sorely troubled by arrousal
            She annoints my head with honeyed oil
            and I make her cup run over
            Surely the pleasure and bliss shall follow me all the days of my life
            and I will dwell in the caves of ecstacy within mind forever.
           Thus said, the HP and P intone the following:
           OH Blessed Motherboard please  accept this offering in your  name, and
           in  the name of  the Horned One  who plugs  in the Wall  and gives you
           that  we may be blessed in our offerings  to you both in circle and in
           Thus said, the HP and P toss the Motherboard into the fire.
           The HP and P lead the coven in the following chant -
           Blessed be the Motherboard from whom all messages flow
           Blessed be the Horned One who fills Her with His offering
           Blessed be the sysops who transfer the packets
           Blessed be the writers and those who inspire what they bring
           Blessed be the hard drives that keep messages from harm
           Blessed be the modems which send packages large and small
           Blessed be the shareware we use to commune
           Blessed be the network which links us up with all
           Blessed be our minds, that we might write our prayers
           Blessed be our fingers that tap amongst the keys
           Blessed be our monitors that shine with holy light
           Blessed be our senses that stimulate with ease
           Blessed be the circle, a circut without end
           Through which we hail and merry meat with those that we call friend.
           At this point the HP and P gaze into the fire for the portent of the
           Goddess's sign of approval  <the flames of blue light from the mother-
           board offering>
           At seeing this both HP  and P raise their arms in  joyful supplication
           and shout <To be echoed by  the Coven members in attendance after each
           The Maiden's found appeasement and She is satisfied
           The Crone is in abeyance, her compu-billings fried
           The Horned One's filled with power, in joining He is pleased
           The Goddess sends Her blessings, cleansing virus and disease.
           We thank the 4 directions for standing by our side
           We thank the elementals and their power all allied
           To Celebrate our status annointed compupagans of sin
           Let Joyful Inhibition be released and the saturnalia begin!!!!
           <the HP and P release the circle and the partying shall now commence>
           Sensual  foods and  drinks are served  and shared,  <the rest  you can

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