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Forty Modern Fables, by George Ade, [1901], at sacred-texts.com
PROMPTLY at 7.30 the Alarm Clock went off. The Rounder sat on the Edge of his Bed and wondered if there was Anything in it. His Tongue felt like a Rug. He was afraid to work his Face for fear it would Crack.
He took a Cold Plunge, rubbed some Pepper Sauce in his Hair, drank a Quart of Hot Water, gargled a Patent Preparation warranted to kill the Maroon Taste, and by that Time he was able to look at his Watch and realize that nobody in the whole World truly Loved him. He did not seem to have any keen Craving for Breakfast, so he drank two large ruby-red Cocktails, smelling like Furniture Polish, just as an Appetizer. After he got them placed he sat at the Window for a while, watching the Landscape straighten itself out. He remembered that he had two or three Friends, after all, so he decided to give this Earth another Trial. Accordingly he ordered up as many Ham and Eggs as could be forced on one Platter and two Stacks of Buckwheat Cakes, arid he kept on until he had extinguished the Cocktails.
At an Early Age the Rounder had read in McGizzick's Physiology that the Capacity of the Human Stomach is Three Pints. His Object in Life was to prove that McGizzick was away Off and must have got hold of a Youth's Size.
After the Rounder had smothered the Cocktails under 80 Cents' worth of Plain Food, he started for his Office, where he met a Drummer, who took him out to talk Business. They opened two or three Cold Bots and ate a few hillocks of Cottage Cheese, Souse, Dill Pickles, Radishes, Blutwurst and Rye Bread with Caraway in it, because they were Free. Then the Rounder excused himself because he had a Date for Luncheon. This light Repast consisted of Blue Points, Gumbo Soup, Fried Spring Chicken, Baked Potatoes, Cheese and other Food for the Gods floated to its Destination in a mixture of Ale and Stout, sometimes known as Liquid Buckshot. In the Afternoon our Hero went to his Club and played Pool, and whoever had it put on him had to buy what made Milwaukee famous for the Others. Along in the Middle of the Afternoon the McGizzick Theory did not have a Leg to stand on.
At Dinner Time he keyed up on Aqua Fortis and Bitters, which enabled him to take Nine Courses, with Red, White and Blue Irrigators to keep him Encouraged, and then four California Grapes for Dessert. By this Time, McGizzick, Author of the School Physiology, was a Liar by the Watch.
In the Evening the Rounder went to a Show. Between Acts he sauntered out with a few Western Gentlemen and seeped up frequent High Balls, accompanied by a little Snack of Oyster Crackers, the embalmed Herring known as the Blind Robin, Water Cress and Anchovies. After the Show they dropped in for their Broiled Lobster, Combination Salad, Welsh Rabbit and Nineteen Rounds of something to take. At a late Hour the Man who had demonstrated that McGizzick was an Ignoramus, went to his Brass Bedstead and lapsed into a State of Coma.
Next morning his Room was twisted. Some one had put a Bed of Live Coals under the Sheet. He felt as if he had swallowed a Steam Radiator and some one had gone down to repair it. He had a case of Bust-Head and a dry crackly Thirst. He sent for a Physician, and when the Learned Man came to make his Diagnosis, the Rounder said: "Doe, it's my own Fault. I ate some Grapes last Night."
MORAL: Avoid Fruit.