Introduction

1

Foreword by the Historian

23

I.

How the great General Belisarius Was Hoodwinked by His Wife, Whose Lover Became a Monk

27

II.

How Belated Jealousy Affected Belisarius's Military Judgment, to the Joy of the Enemy

35

III.

Showing the Danger of Interfering with a Woman's Intrigues, Especially When the Woman Is the Friend of an Empress

45

IV.

How Theodora, Revenging Her Dear Antonina, Humiliated the Conqueror of Africa and Italy

53

V.

How Theodora Tricked the General's Daughter Into a Liaison with the Empress's Nephew, and Belisarius Became a Public Laughing Stock

63

p. vi

VI.

Ignorance of the Emperor Justin, and His Stencilled Signature; and How His Nephew Justinian Was the Virtual Ruler

73

VII.

Outrages of the Blues

80

VIII.

Character and Appearance of Justinian

90

IX.

And How Theodora, Most Depraved of All Courtesans, Won His Love

98

X.

How Justinian Created a New Law Permitting Him to Marry a Courtesan On Her Promise to Repent Her Past; and the Truth About the Apparent Quarrels of a Happy Pair

109

XI.

How the Defender of the Faith Ruined His Subjects

117

XII.

Proving that Justinian and Theodora Were Actually Fiends in Human Form

127

p. vii

XIII.

Deceptive Affability and Piety of a Tyrant

137

XIV.

Justice for Sale

145

XV.

How An Roman Citizens Became Slaves, and a Complaining Patrician Was Ribaldly Mocked by Theodora's Eunuchs

151

XVI.

What Happened to Those Who Fell Out of Favor with Theodora

159

XVII.

How She Saved Five Hundred Harlots from a Life of Sin, Made Away with Her Own Natural Son, and Other Curious Incidents of Her Passion for Match Making

167

XVIII.

How Justinian Killed a Trillion People

178

XIX.

How He Seized All the Wealth of the Romans and Threw It Away In the Sea and On the Barbarians

188

p. viii

XX.

Debasing of the Quaestorship

193

XXI.

The Sky Tax, the Selling of All Offices, and How Border Armies Were Forbidden to Punish Invading Barbarians

200

XXII.

Further Corruption in High Places

207

XXIII.

How Land Owners Were Ruined

216

XXIV.

Unjust Treatment of the Soldiers, and How Justinian Tricked the "Students" Out of Their Pay by Threatening to Send Them to War

223

XXV.

How He Robbed His Own Officials, Merchants, Sailors, Workmen, and Everybody Else

231

XXVI.

How He Spoiled the Beauty of the Cities and Plundered the Poor

239

p. ix

XXVII.

How the Defender of the Faith Protected the Interests of the Christians

250

XXVIII.

His Violation of the Laws of the Romans, and How Jews Were Fined for Eating Lamb

257

XXIX.

Other Incidents Revealing Him as a Liar and a Hypocrite

262

XXX.

Further Innovations of Justinian and Theodora, and a Conclusion Which Imagines the Death of an Emperor

270